Besides the few good souls who are doing Alternative Spring Break or making obligatory visits to their grandparents, most University students will be making a mass exodus to tropical beach destinations this weekend, hoping to escape the arctic winter and drink away the trauma of midterms.

Christina Choi
This is your brain on Spring Break. (PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY BEN SIMON/Daily)

Whether it’s Bermuda or the Bahamas, Daily Arts is here for you. Here’s to keeping you reputation intact while you take the booze cruise through Spring Break.

1. Know what to expect. While a Spring Break fling may evoke images of “Saved by the Bell” summer romance episodes, in reality, Spring Break hookups are little more than your basic animal instincts. Don’t be that kid who tries to romanticize a drunken Spring Break make-out. Avoid anything that resembles “Last night was really special” or any other equally transparent mantra. Everyone knows you’re full of shit.

2. Avoid the guy with the video camera. Even though the sketchball trying to videotape your on-the-bar-dancing skit is probably just some random local porn artist, there’s always a chance you’ll find yourself on “Girls Gone Wild” a few years down the road. Even a brief appearance in that most classy of video series can ruin your future career as a corporate lawyer.

3. What happens in Cancun doesn’t always stay in Cancun. Bouncing onto the beach with a new person each morning might make you feel like a Spring Break superstar, but be advised that every fellow Michigan vacationee there will be taking notes. What happens in Cancun does not necessarily stay there, so if you’re hoping to preserve that virginal reputation you’ve so diligently built over the last four years, either keep your hookup tally to a minimum or discreetly slip out of that hotel room in the wee hours of the morning before anyone wakes up.

4. Watch how much you drink. Drinking until you black out is never a good idea, but at least in Ann Arbor you can stumble down East University Avenue, pass out in a friend’s bushes and wake up in the morning embarrassed but essentially unharmed. The streets of Mexico, however, will not be so forgiving. You’re more likely going to wind up either pick-pocketed or at the mercy of foreign government officials. That call home for bail promises to be the worst five minutes of your college years.

5. No, really. The alcohol. Don’t be the one who pukes off the side of the cruise boat. Before you start downing shots of tequila, note the stability of the ship. If it looks like it’s going to be a choppy night out at sea, do yourself a favor and go easy.

6. Remember that you have to come home with these people eventually. It’s just not worth ending a four-year friendship over who gets to hook up with that hottie from Arizona State who happens to be rooming a few doors down the hall. The newfound friends who constitute your Spring Break trip may seem important at the time, but remember who you’ll be sitting next to on the long plane ride home.

7. It’s not going to be 20 below anymore. At the risk of sounding like your mother, wear sunscreen. A tomato-red face and an awkwardly shaped sunburn covering your back are not attractive spring break souvenirs. They’ll also make grinding up on people at the club pretty painful.

8. This trip isn’t about luxury. Don’t complain about the quality of your $600 Spring Break package. What did you expect? Did you really think the food would be gourmet and the rooms would look just like the photos in the brochure? One day you’ll be able to use your University education to land a lucrative job and go on a real vacation, but for now, suck it up and enjoy the inevitable grime of a true college Spring Break.

9. Condoms, people. Condoms. It should go without saying, but try to avoid the Spring Break lovechild. No kid wants to learn that he’s a product of one night of drunken passion somewhere between St. John and St. Thomas, and that’s not even to mention the STDs. Take care of yourself.

So have fun, be safe and Daily Arts will see you after Spring Break – gonorrhea-free, please.

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