We all know kugel goes straight to the hips – and you understand that muffin tops happen to hipsters, too. Winter’s here and holidays are nigh, which means if you’re planning to tuck into Hanukah and Christmas dinners (or have already overloaded on the korma at Diwali), you better hit the CCRB. Daily Arts’ Hipster Workout Guide will push you harder, better, faster, stronger – at the gym.
– Find shorts that will help you channel Heather Graham (clothed) in “Boogie Nights.” Hot shorts with piping are key to achieving a Roller Girl/Roller Boy look. There’s this thing called the tap panty at American Apparel that’s kind of close, but the ads make us uncomfortable.
– Pair said shorts with tube socks. Sometimes knee-highs make up for the briefness of the thigh coverage. Sometimes.
– Unitards, leotards, bodysuits or anything one-piece with Lycra that can be found at Salvation Army.
– For those willing to sacrifice vanity for the sake of irony: Try a facemask or protective goggles. But if you’re already rockin’ a Prefontaine-style mustache, be careful that you’re not taking it too far. There’s a fine line between looking retro and looking stupid.
– High top shoes – you’ll even get ankle support. Old-school Reeboks with the Velcro at the top are great. Nike Dunks will do, too, even though they’re not really meant for working out. We had a friend who used to wear these Prada sailing team kicks (don’t ask) that were actually pretty funky, but we’re, like, above labels.
– Sweatbands. Combined with the shorts, you’ll look like John McEnroe, saucy temper optional.
– Old, decaying band T-shirts. No one will recognize that Andrew Bird shirt except for another hipster hottie. Play this angle up and awkwardly eye-sex another prospective scenester.
– No Michigan anything, not even frosh-year dorm shirts. They won’t be indie for another 10 years.
– Rock the huge motherfucking headphones. You might even be able to get the volume loud enough to draw casual glances from jealous onlookers. Act like they’re not there. You’re too good for them anyway. Note: If running outdoors, they will keep your ears warm. And the Neutral Milk Hotel bootlegs will keep your heart warm.
– Girl Talk, LCD, obscure old-school hip hop compilations. (Insert wit here.)
– Pick the treadmill – it’s always in the back of the gym or looking out onto deserted fields. This way, you can get your existential fix while planning your next movie script. Don’t be afraid to slip or fall, either. If you do, no one will help you, but you’re totally the only one doing it.
– Running on the treadmill while smoking Pall Malls or Parliament Lights. This will complicate your health, and may or may not cause you to be kicked out of the North Campus Recreation Building, Central Campus Recreation Building and Intramural Sports Building.
– Sidebends. Arm circles. Hip circles. Bicycle kicks. You might need longer shorts for the last one, as with anything that might make the person on the mat next to you cringe.
– Lots of yoga and stretching. Going for that long, sinewy Natalie Portman look? You can get there in healthful ways. Sidebends in front of the mirror will let you strengthen your obliques, but aren’t so attention-consuming that you can’t mentally draft blog posts. Or judge people.