There is a startling idea that has gained popularity as of late: That it is okay to remain the way God made you, and that Joe Fatass is just as good as someone who is physically fit. This, of course, is just mindless garbage spewing forth from the (probably full) mouths of people too lazy to get off of their duffs and exercise. I”m not saying that people that don”t work out aren”t trying hard enough, I”m saying they”re bad people that don”t deserve to breathe my air with their big fat lungs.

People that care about their bodies care about every facet of their lives. They look better, they feel better and they have more confidence in themselves. Fat people are full of self loathing and try to fill the void in their lives with cheeseburgers the way creamy lard fills a Twinkie. While I exercise I consider world politics, do integrals in my head and run through the complete poems of T.S. Eliot, which I have memorized. I have composed three novels into my mini-recorder while jogging, and re-figured my tax deductions so that the government ends up owing me money every year without fail. Plus, I look great.

As everyone knows, people that don”t care how they look physically are usually loathsome reprobates that beat their children and cannot tie their own shoes. Instead of thinking about bettering themselves they think of buttering their Pop Tarts. Instead of taking an interest in the world around them, they watch television and drink beer. The television thinks for them and the only time they ever put forth the tremendous effort it takes to move themselves is when their bladders force them to (that is, those that don”t wish to lounge in their own filth, which is fewer than you might expect). Oh, and, of course, when they run out of food (which is akin to China running out of Chinese people, for all the tater-tots and pizza rolls and ice cream bars your average glutton surrounds him/herself with).

People with healthy, active lifestyles are rewarded with long, full lives, while those that choose sloth (such as the person who drives to his neighbors house because he was “too tired to cross the street”) is punished because God simply doesn”t love them as much.

How many of our heroes were out of shape? Abe Lincoln won the Boston Marathon twice, Alexander Graham Bell is still in the Guinness Book of World Records for the most consecutive one-armed push-ups ever completed while having 75 pound brick on one”s back (311, to be exact) and Albert Einstein held the championship belt for bare-knuckle boxing from 1935-1937. Our best, our brightest, our healthiest.

And how many fat presidents have we had? One jumps immediately to mind. William Howard Taft was a lofty 300 lbs., and his greatest accomplishment was when he accomplished to get himself stuck in his own bathtub. This while Healthy Harry Truman finished off World War II?

My message is simple. If you are healthy, you are a good, honest, hardworking American that is probably college educated and making a lot of money. Unhealthy people probably can”t read anyway, so I see no reason to address them directly. We can be healthy and laugh at them while they eat their preservatives. My brothers and sisters, unite with our ginko-balboa tablets, our protein shakes, our metabolife, and let”s watch our doughy nemeses die young and deservedly harsh deaths.

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