Seriously, Mike.


You guarantee victory next week.

I know you’re injured and ran for 127 yards on Saturday. And you played just a little more than two quarters on your way to 188 yards last week. And, yes, the block you threw at the defensive lineman in the third quarter was impressive, too.

But really, this might be your most outrageous feat.

“We’re going to win next week. There’s not a question in my mind. I guarantee we win next week. I’m going to get this team ready.”

Um, this Michigan team?

The team that just allowed 624 yards to Oregon on Saturday – the second-highest total a Michigan defense has ever given up?

The team that just dropped its fourth game in a row – marking Michigan’s longest losing streak since 1967?

The team that just lost by 32 points – the largest margin of defeat since Woody Hayes’s Ohio State squad drubbed Michigan 50-14 in 1968 – the year before Bo became head coach?

OK, Mike, I know, I know. Numbers never tell the whole story. So let me grab my notes to find the anecdotal evidence that must have convinced you.

Now, let’s see. I remember Ducks quarterback Dennis Dixon slicing and slashing and slipping through the Michigan defense again . and again . and again. And then there was the one . no wait, two . oops, sorry, three times, a Duck wide receiver blew past the Michigan secondary for a long touchdown pass. And how about running backs Jonathan Stewart and Jeremiah Jackson continually pounding into, over, through, in between, on top of and all around the Michigan front seven?

Hmm, let me keep looking.

Ah yes! Here it is: Fielding Yost impressed.

Never mind. That note marked the not one, but two times Dixon successfully tricked the defense with the Statue of Liberty play, a move that Yost forefathered with his “Old 83” play.

Unfortunately, I doubt he’d have the same nice things to say about the Wolverines’ point-every-eight-and-a-half-minutes offense.

Yes, the offense that scored seven points on Saturday, its lowest output since 1996. The offense that killed two early drives with turnovers – although at least the interception showed us Chad Henne could hit somebody’s hands.

Um, and you do know Ryan Mallett is starting, right?

“That’s a different gameplan,” Hart said. “We’re going to win though. I think Ryan can get the job done.”

Heck, even your coach seems skeptical.

“Do I like it? He said it,” Lloyd Carr said. “So we got to back it up, we got to back him up now I guess.”

What’s that, though Mike? You have a plan?

“I don’t think I’ve been doing my job as a leader so far, getting this team ready to go. I think I’m going to step my leadership up this week.”

Mike, I know I had a lot of nice things to say about you before. But, come on, not even you can sell a clich

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