Fifty Cent and G-Unit have them. Every conceivable rock star has them. Kobe Bryant undeniably has them. Even the average fraternity, sorority and campus celebrity has a few, here at the University. They abound at clubs, concerts, and red carpets, flocking around those whom they worship, trying to act as if they know somebody. They are the reason for the back door at Club Oz. They are fanatical, infatuated and maybe even obsessed. You know who they are: those ubiquitous and inescapable groupies – the bane of my existence.

Roshan Reddy

A groupie is defined as an enthusiastic young fan, especially a woman, who follows celebrities around in order to meet, be associated with and generally have sex with them. Today, any person with the slightest amount of celebrity status is sure to have a few scantily clad and licentious stragglers lurking behind his or her every step.

Recently I scored VIP passes to a club party hosted by Doug E. Fresh in Detroit. I noticed a young woman wearing hair extensions, fake nails and a skin-tight, seriously undersized dress – clearly a groupie. With no pride, she trotted over to Mr. Fresh and started getting low on his Gucci loafers. Then she slipped him a piece of paper and sauntered back to the bar, swishing her hips as she went. The shocking part: this girl had the nerve to rub her booty all over Doug E. Fresh while he was holding his wife’s hand! She was a typical groupie – trashy, ruthless, out of her element in VIP, and a master of creeping past security.

Groupies relentlessly try to have sex with celebrities in the desperate hope that some of their superstar statuses will rub off amidst all the grinding. They enjoy the popularity and attention celebrities achieve, but experience it vicariously, instead of working toward their own fame. Maybe they just want to tell their friends about who is packing and who is lacking, or maybe they view the sex as some grand achievement. Regardless, it is clear that groupies have no limits and won’t even yield to wives and children.

Sadly though, groupies don’t only pursue international icons; they slither about this very campus like hungry snakes. Campus celebrities have come to expect and depend upon groupie love. I literally gagged when a football-playing friend told a groupie that he would only see her if she promised to have some form of sex with him. “I need to know right now. Yes or no,” he demanded. And the worst part? Even though he had a serious girlfriend, the groupie complied with no hesitation. That particular groupie was just one out of no fewer than 50 girls on his hit-list. There is six degrees of separation between every student on this campus, and he is having sex with the rest of her groupie friends to this day – behind his girlfriend’s back.

Groupies are everywhere. Everyone has heard of “that girl” who has had sex with every member of a fraternity, or every member of the hockey team. They flock to athletes like seagulls swarm to scraps of food in a Meijer parking lot. It only takes one glimpse of a Big Ten Championship ring, with the diamond “M” glittering under dance floor lights at Touchdowns, and groupies lose all sense of rationality. Even if he is a busted one on a scale of 10, the average boy in a varsity jacket can get some action without even working for it. As one athlete put it, “They throw themselves at me.”

So, there it is. Groupies use sex as a means of social advancement, even if it is all an illusion. Remember the unpopular kid in middle school who desperately wanted to sit with the cool kids at lunch? It’s the same thing, only post-pubescent. Women possess tremendous power because of their sexuality, and groupies are ruining this mystique with each sexual conquest they initiate. It has become an epidemic to the point that certain individuals are spoiled into thinking they deserve to get some action from every girl on this campus. What’s even worse is how groupies abandon all self-respect to become just another notch on some (campus or international) celebrity’s headboard.

As women, groupies need to stop fostering the disrespect of women and instead should attain eminence in the world by positive means, which no doubt will generate man-groupies of their own. Social status is gained by earning respect as an intelligent, accomplished and genuine person who is fun to be around – not by having sex with the next hot boy on campus just to say you did.

Brooke hopes to get some groupie love from this column. She can be reached at basnyder@umich.edu.

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