After losing its president and several other top officials in recent months, the University suffered another major loss yesterday with the announcement that grounds maintenance worker Jeremy Green will step down to accept a position at Columbia University.

With most top positions now filled on only an interim basis, the University is now teetering on the brink of anarchy, with South Quad cafeteria supervisor Larry Jones left as the highest ranking permanent official on campus.

Green apologized for leaving the University during its transition and said Columbia officials asked him to round out Lee Bollinger”s new administration.

“I did not intend to be a candidate. It was a life course decision that I made with my wife after a lot of careful thought,” he said. “And I figured out that Columbia”s got a hell of a lot less grounds to take care of, them being in New York City and all.”

Green”s announcements shocked students across campus yesterday.

“When I first visited campus as a senior in high school, Green went by on one of those tiny little trucks they drive around on the Diag,” said LSA sophomore Louise Meizlish. “Right then and there I decided I wanted to come to a university where they had little trucks driving around all the time.”

Green is the sixth top official to leave the University recently and the second to join Bollinger at Columbia.

“I told the boys at Columbia who are paying me a hell of a lot of money, by the way that I wouldn”t come unless I could bring Jeremy with me,” Bollinger said. He did a great job mowing my lawn one time. And now that I don”t have a lawn in New York, well maybe I”ll just have him use that little truck of his to pick up kegs for all the parties I”m going to throw at the mansion.”

The University will now conduct a search for Green”s replacement. The search for a new permanent president, provost, vice president for development, vice president for medical affairs and Life Sciences co-director will all immediately be placed on hold until Green”s successor is selected.

The search committee will be comprised of the following members: renowned playwright Arthur Miller, whose name we throw around a lot because he used to write for us former Michigan Athletic Director Tom Goss, because he still hasn”t been able to get another job Michigan Student Assembly President Matt Nolan, who will promptly add his position on the committee to his resume University alum Jesse Jannetta, because he needs something to do besides write us letters to the editor every day and Chris Burke, who played Corky on TV”s “Life Goes On.”

“I”m very hopeful that we can fill Jeremy”s position in five to eight months,” Regent Larry Deitch said from his office on the 347th floor of the Renaissance Center in Detroit. “Then, after we all go for a three-week vacation on the secret yacht that”s registers to the University Board of Regents, we”ll get back to picking people to fill those other positions, like president and such.”

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