Poor Anne Hathaway. In the last two months, she’s been a victim of more deception than her homely, frizzy-haired character in “The Princess Diaries.” First, her boyfriend Raffaello Follieri — a.k.a. the Italian Zach Braff — turns out to be a criminally inept version of Tony Soprano, but with better hair. One month later, tabloids report that Hathaway paid for Follieri’s $300,000 per month high-rise apartment. Follieri’s money laundering must’ve involved literally washing his money with Tide.
Hathaway’s ex was then convicted last Wednesday of wiretapping, laundering and conspiracy, and could face up to five years in prison. Fortunately, the “Get Smart” star seems stable, if bad at constructing metaphors. In a recent interview with W magazine, she said: “The rug was pulled out from under me all of a sudden. But, just as suddenly, my friends threw another rug back under me.” No word as to why Hathaway’s friends have such an abundance of rugs, and why she doesn’t just install carpeting.
Speaking of relationships more ill-advised than a hunting trip with Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha “DJ Vampire” Ronson are set to marry before the year is out. Also moving toward marriage is Tara Reid, best known for her Academy Award-winning performance in “The Queen.” Oh wait, that was Helen Mirren. Tara was in one of the “Van Wilder”s, I think, and an “American Pie” or two. Anyway, she’s heading off to the altar with her boss at J&J Company Fashion, Julien Jarmoune.
According to sources, Justin Timberlake and Jessica — “Forget I was in ‘Summer Catch’” — Biel are close to tying the knot. The rumor is fairly unsubstantiated but, fortunately, speculation is one of my hobbies. If I were relying only on substantiated facts, I’d have nothing but the story of nutjob priest David Ajemian, who was recently renounced by the Archdiocese of Boston and forced to leave his post after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct, a.k.a stalking Conan O’Brien. I admire the Vatican’s priorities: Please, if you have to bother someone, don’t annoy a celebrity. Make it an altar boy or an unmarried couple in Nigeria using contraception.
I know, I know, we’re well into a gossip column and I have yet to mention the upcoming election. Whether we like it or not (and, often, we don’t) the intersection of politics and low-culture is a mainstay of our tabloid society, from Obama’s appearance on Letterman to Paris Hilton’s inscrutable John McCain video. As another example of this disturbing phenomenon, McCain rented a yacht from our old friend Follieri for his 70th birthday. Wow, connections with Follieri and a Heidi Montag endorsement. What happened, McCain? Was Tila Tequila too busy gyrating on her stripper pole to host a GOP fundraiser?
On the other hand — or, more appropriately, on the other woolen glove — Palin is faring much worse among Tinseltown’s opinionated mouths. In an interview with the Associated Press, Matt Damon quotes “actuarial tables” to prove McCain has a one-in-three chance of dying in office, leaving inexperienced Palin in charge. Come on, Matt, I know you went to Harvard, but you’re not actually Will Hunting. Pamela Anderson, in a move the political world has been awaiting, also put in her two cents on Palin.
“She can suck it,” Anderson told E!. Classy.
In an interview with AOL Sessions, singer Pink went with the always-popular blanket statement, saying that Palin “hates women.” She might as well have criticized Barack Obama, saying that he, like a certain president, doesn’t care about black people. Palin impersonators are also ubiquitous; Gina Gershon stars in a Palin-mocking video that ends with her firing an assault rifle in an American-flag bikini, while “30 Rock” star Tina Fey recently rejoined “SNL” just to play the famous hockey mom (although I speculate she wants back in because she still has a mad crush on Kenan “Pierre Escargot” Thompson).
On a final, disheartening note, Lauren “LC the place to be” Conrad has reportedly earned a three-book deal with Harper Collins. Certainly this has nothing to with her celebrity and everything to do with the linguistic virtuosity she’s displayed on “The Hills.” The first book, a work of teen fiction that will mirror elements of Conrad’s own life, should probably be called “Money From My Father.” Britney Spears is also sticking her feet in the fine arts pool, as an oil painting of her is being auctioned off on eBay. Included with the painting are all three of Britney Spears “MTV Music Awards.” She didn’t want them, anyway.
Sheesh. Celebrities today are caught up in illicit business deals, endorsing politicians, writing books and posing for art. Plus, these days Spears appears to actually be consuming more water than Red Bull and vodka. They’re all becoming too … responsible. What happened to the standard celebrity night out complete with coke buffet and plastered make-out sessions? For that matter, when was the last time a rock musician hit a fan with a car and made a drunken getaway down Santa Monica? Oh well. Hopefully next week will be more entertaining.