The Dow Jones Industrial Average isn’t the only thing that plummeted last week. Since his three gal pals Holly, Bridget and Kendra jumped ship earlier this month, Hugh Hefner’s 82-year-old penis is lower than in his pre-Cialis days. The girls, best known for starring on the E! reality series “Girls Next Door,” are reportedly standing guard at J. Howard Marshall’s grave, waiting for him to rise from the dead and put them in his will. According to The Daily Telegraph, the three bust-keteers might be leaving because of the financial troubles faced by Playboy; Hefner had to lay off many staff members two weeks ago. Of course, his personal robe washer and pipe unclogger are still gainfully employed.

You know who else doesn’t have a job? Britney Spears’s old flame Adnan Ghalib. That may be why he’s desperately hawking a sex tape of him and Spears to the highest bidder. The tape, which is apparently an excruciating two hours long, features Spears in a pink wig and, most likely, whacked out on a combination of Xanax, vodka-red bull and those silica gel packets that come with new clothes.

Fortunately for Spears, her lawyers are working overtime to make sure the tape never sees the light of day and Ghalib has recently said, probably with a .45 to his head: “There is no sex tape.” Right, and Bill Clinton never had sexual relations with that woman. The bottom line is that Spears’s sex tape will probably remain in Ghalib’s VCR — at least until Spears runs out of money to pay her lawyers. But think about it: If you piece together the flurry of images from the last five years featuring Spears writhing half-naked on film and exposing every (and I mean every) part of her body, you’ll probably get a decent idea of what her having sex would look like.

On a completely different level of celebrity voyeurism-for-bucks, a letter from a young Princess Diana — in my opinion, the overrated Kurt Cobain of royalty — in which she pleads with her sister to marry Prince Charles, was recently sold at auction for 12,432 pounds, or $43 million. (Actually, it’s about $22,000) Prince Charles must be breathing a sigh of relief right now. Whew, Chuck, thank God you held out for a princess who first eclipsed you in social and celebrity status and then divorced you, and followed it up with Camilla Parker Bowles, a.k.a. the Dog-Faced Woman. Ouch. That was harsh, maybe too harsh. But, hey, you don’t read this kind of stuff without expecting your sense of gentility to be offended, do ya, Cammy?

Camilla may be ugly, but at least she isn’t a bad parent. I wish I could say the same for Sharon Stone, who recently lost custody of her eight year-old son, allegedly because she wanted to Botox his feet. Honestly, I think it’s just too damn predictable at this point to make a joke about where the 50-year-old actress should really be applying Botox.

Speaking of bad parents, Spears’s dad Jamie — who probably needs detox, not Botox — has barred his daughter from seeing some of her friends and family members, including her close cousin Alli Sims, according to TMZ. Look, Jamie: I think Britney needs to be spending more time with supportive family members and less time … well, see the second paragraph.

It seems like every celebrity who isn’t making a sex tape is speaking about the upcoming election. “The Hills” pseudo-celebrity couple Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, a.k.a Speidi, have recently endorsed Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Pratt, using as many sentence fragments as Palin herself, told Hollyscoop: “Well, I got a six pack in my car, I am a true American like Sarah, so we’re (sic) good.”

In other news, Jessica Alba recently appeared in an ad for “Declare” wearing a muzzle, the less than adroit metaphor being that not voting is like giving up your voice. Seeing Alba gagged is a bit off-putting, but I knew it wasn’t a dream because she didn’t have furry handcuffs on.

On the complete opposite side of the hotness spectrum, “comedian” Sandra Bernhard was recently banned from a benefit dinner for joking that Palin would get “gang-raped by my big black brothers.” She also added that her Mexican brothers would steal the hubcaps off Palin’s car and asked if there were any other useless, tired stereotypes she had left out.

Finally, a YouTube video packed with the most random array of celebrities — since “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck” at least — has Leo DiCaprio, Forest Whitaker and some “Entourage” guys sarcastically telling the youth of America not to vote. Based on the idiocy mentioned in this column, it seems that a lot of celebrities might do well to heed their own advice and stay home November 4th.

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