For those of you in search of a high-quality blow job, I have good news: Charles Barkley is out of jail after a three-day sentence for his December DUI. So just follow Barkley, who will likely be wearing the blue-and-red jumpsuit he served his sentence in, to his fellatio-apt concubine and you’ll be set. He’ll surely be visiting her for at least six to eight minutes for the next couple days.
Sadly, Barkley’s love life is relatively normal compared to Chris Brown and Rihanna’s. Though my tolerance for volatile celebrity relationships is very high — hence my writing this column — even I’m sick of hearing about the romantic woes of these two. But writing about gossip without mentioning them would be like talking about “Twin Peaks” without discussing cherry-pie-loving Special Agent Cooper. So here it goes: First, the two get back together. Then, to the chagrin of Daddy Brown and already-overworked members of Social Services, the two get married and begin recording a duet. Outspoken celebrities — not sure why I even bothered adding “outspoken” — across the country are weighing in on the couple. Oprah recently said — from her structurally fortified soapbox — “Get yourself some counseling, take care of yourself.”
Jesse McCartney, apparently in a hallucinatory state where he thinks it’s 2004 and people still care about him, had this to say: “From what I’ve seen and from what I know of (Brown), he’s always been a gentleman.” Yes, and I’ve heard that Mussolini character wasn’t such a bad guy either. I’m not sure how long the two will stay together anyway once Ri-Ri learns the woman who sent Brown those lascivious text messages was none other than Brown’s manager Tina Davis. Which means there’s a solid chance Davis will be filing Brown’s W-4 while wearing a body cast and one of those metal halos. I mean, one of those two is going to beat her up eventually; it’s a matter of simple mathematics.
All this talk about guys beating up their girlfriends is a little sickening. So let me switch records and talk about girls abusing their boyfriends. Kelly Bensimon, cougarish “star” of “The Real Housewives of New York City” (a show I can only assume actually exists), was arrested last week for beating up her younger boyfriend. Yikes. Kelly, if you want to avoid being labeled a “cougar,” maybe you should stop actually mauling people.
Moving from the realm of aggressive to passive-aggressive, “Heroes” star Hayden Panettiere is apparently flummoxed she still has to work with co-star and ex-boyfriend Milo “How do you pronounce that?” Ventimiglia. So she’s quietly trying to get him fired, complaining to producers and refusing to be on the set when Milo’s around. Until that happens, the dwarfish actor, who plays a confident, invincible cheerleader, is demonstrating how very dissimilar she is to her character. “Don’t you ever touch me!” and “You all make my life miserable!” were just two of the exclamations she howled at paparazzi during, nicely enough, a hospital fundraiser.
On the subject of more, you know, “seasoned” women, I’d like to discuss a couple improper ways to look younger, featuring Madonna. The first way: Just in time for the Vanity Fair Oscars party, firm up your skin with a temporary facelift involving hooks and tubes in your epidermis. Though it seemed to have worked for her, I can’t get used to the fact that the Material Girl is now filled with actual material.
The second way: When the hooks start to slowly peel your skin off like flesh-eating bacteria, take them out and feminize the old saying “Clothes make the man.” Dress like a little schoolgirl, and everyone will assume you’re young, right? Well, no, and honestly, Madonna’s new look reminded me of when I put the neighbor girl’s Schoolgirl Barbie in the microwave. To be fair, Madonna was on her way to a Kabbalah Purim party. Purim, a wonderful Jewish holiday whose existence is known to about 2 percent of non-Jews, was celebrated this Tuesday and Wednesday. I thought I’d celebrate a little myself by listing my favorite celebrity costumes from this week. As a sort of nod to the fashion times, these costumes were not worn to actual costume parties.
Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson: both in Daisy Duke cutoffs, both in that awkward area between their best and worst physiques where you don’t leer but you don’t turn away. I’ll give the pity prize to Jessica Simpson, because her insistence on wearing cutoffs to almost all her sparsely-attended concerts means she considers starring in “Dukes of Hazard” a career zenith she’d like to relive. Which is just sad.
The Pussycat Dolls: Capitalizing on the success of “Slumdog Millionaire,” the “singing” group appeared on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” in traditional Indian dress, including scarves and bindis. Fortunately, they did not break into a rendition of that “Jai Ho” song.
These are all great, but I’d have to give the grand prize to the Ryan Adams impersonator who recently married Mandy Moore. Oh wait — that’s actually Adams? Awkward …