It’s official: The Brits hate Sarah Silverman but love… Paris Hilton? Yup, while Silverman was booed off stage during a recent London stand-up performance, Hilton is so enamored with the UK she’s considering a permanent move there. “I love guys with cute English accents,” Hilton told friends. But apparently, the real reason for the move is that Hilton wants to find out why exactly Ben is so “big.”
Paris, Madonna can tell you exactly why you shouldn’t get involved with British guys. First, they refuse to be Alex Rodriguez, and second, they fleece you for all your hard-earned cash. Yes, Guy Ritchie is walking away from his divorce from Madge with $60 million, according to The Sun. Madonna, naturally, is a little bit upset about Ritchie’s “male gold-digging.” “Kabbalah… teaches that you don’t take what you haven’t earned. He hasn’t earned a penny of it.” Madonna thought a moment, and then donated her entire net worth to Kabbalah as well.
Speaking of rifts in Tinseltown marriages, “Californication” star and reputed sex addict David Duchovny has been accused of cheating on his wife Tea Leoni with his tennis instructor Edit Pakay. “There is no romance, and we are just friends,” Pakay denied in less than perfect English. Hmm, sure. Look, I’m not saying this is Tea’s fault, but anyone who lets her sex-addict husband spend time playing tennis, the most erotic of all outdoor sports, with a beautiful Hungarian woman is kind of asking for it.
You know who else is asking for it, and by “it” I mean for his daughter to become the next Jamie-Lynn Spears? Billy Ray Cyrus, who is exhibiting remarkably poor judgment regarding his daughter Miley, even for someone who spent three years with a mullet. First he lets his daughter, already labeled a harlot by the media because of her exposed back in that Vanity Fair shoot (Side note: What was the deal with that ruckus about Cyrus’s exposed back? What is this, the Victorian era? And even though, yes, she was only 15, doesn’t virtually every girl’s swimsuit have an exposed back? I don’t get it.) date a model named Justin Gaston, who was recently caught in shirtless photos with a girl who looks like she’s auditioning to be Hef’s next live-in girlfriend. And then, Billy reportedly gave his little girl “the sex talk.” Billy, don’t you realize most teenagers take the sex talk as a license to have sex, and that such matters are best left to outdated film strips or creepy health teachers with hairy wrists?
At least from the trio of famous teen pop tarts, Cyrus has made the best life decisions. Of course, it’s all relative when Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant once again, apparently trying to repopulate Louisiana before her sister can. On the other hand, “High School Musical” star Vanessa Hudgens’s one mistake was failure to realize any nude picture of a hot young celebrity can and will end up on the Internet. Seriously, those pics will still be number one on the uncensored Google image search for the next year. However, Hudgens says she’s learned from the experience: “Posing nude made me smarter,” she told The Mirror. By “smarter,” I assume she means “cell phone wallpaper for horny teenage boys across the country.”
Sadly, this is my last column before the November 4th presidential election, so I thought it might be appropriate at this point to catalog celebrities as they weigh in on important political issues.
Republican and McCain endorser Spencer Pratt on gay marriage: “I think it’s your own choice. I think, you know, whoever you decide to marry — boys, girls, whatever you like — it’s up to you.”
Heidi Montag on the importance of Colin Powell’s Obama endorsement: “Who needs Colin Powell?”
Former cokehead and “I’m With Busey” star Gary Busey on drugs: “(When you snort cocaine off a dog) you get a little bugs, you get little hairs, you get grease and goo from the ground; it’s not at all a healthy thing to do.”
Paris Hilton on the space program: “What if I (go to space and) don’t come back? With the whole light-years thing, what if I come back 10,000 years later, and everyone I know is dead? I’ll be like, ‘Great. Now I have to start all over.’ “
Porn star Sarah “Paylin” on foreign relations with Russia: “I don’t speak Russian.”
Real Sarah Palin, on protecting Alaskan wildlife: “My favorite meal is moose stew.”
Unfortunately, none of my trademark glib humor has been injected here. These are all actual celebrity quotes. So, when you are sealed in your voting cubicle Nov. 4, even if you’re shit-ignorant of the issues, rest assured you’re probably smarter than most of the above people.