Pop Princess Mariah Carey”s semi-autobiographical film debut, “Glitter,” is nothing more than a typical movie goer would expect. It is undoubtedly pure bubblegum. In fact, the viewing experience is comparable to chewing a piece of ABC gum (for those of you who are not knowledgeable of this timeless acronym, it stands for Already Been Chewed), sticking it to the sole of your shoe for a night out, then extracting its sullied goodness in the morning for another day of chewing pleasure. Yes, it is that horrible.

Paul Wong
Mariah Carey can”t save herself, this man (who thinks he”s a bad ass) or this film.<br><br>Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox

I am in angst over recovering the brain cells that were destroyed during the tedious viewing process. I hope that I still have the mental efficiency to provide an adequate synopsis of the film so as to deter even the most extreme of Mariah Carey enthusiasts from also risking their well-being. So here goes

In the first few moments of the film, the audience is introduced to Billie Frank, (Isabel Gomes), a young girl who is watching her vocally inclined mother, Lillian, (Valarie Pettiford), perform at a local nightclub. It is evident that Billie is a prodigy when she joins her mother onstage for a heartfelt duet (Sigh).

In the next five minutes of the movie, a series of life-altering events take place. Billie and her mother race out of their apartment in the middle of the night to watch the building burst into flames (due to Lillian”s nasty habit of falling asleep while smoking). Billie is then taken away by social services and placed into an orphanage.

These scenes pass with such rapidity that the audience barely has time to notice that Billie”s home life is dysfunctional (Obviously, this is because Carey”s heavily endowed chest cannot fill up the entire screen with a child playing her character).

After the few short lived scenes dedicated to the illustration of what is presumably a difficult childhood, Carey emerges as the adult form of Billie Frank. She is discovered while performing as a back-up singer and then “ghosting” for the current up and rising talent, Silk.

Throughout the film, Billie struggles to balance her ascendance to stardom and her personal afflictions with her past, her friends (Da Brat and Tia Texada) and her significant other/producer, D.J. Dice (Max Beesley), who first breaks the ice with Billie by so cleverly telling her that his nickname is Lucky Seven. Get it? Dice? Lucky Seven?

And so the film continues on and Carey, as the enormous breasted heroine, overcomes her trials and tribulations in proper TRL form, complete with nauseating cinematography and glitter glitter everywhere.

It is impossible to even comment on Carey”s acting ability because of the deplorable script and the fact that she is diligently using the majority of the film as a promotional vehicle.

“Glitter” is quite the transition for director Vondie Curtis-Hall, seeing as his last film, “Gridlock”d,” is a member of the gritty crime/action genre. Now the man is most likely cursing the heavens above as he sees his career flash before his very eyes (Obviously, the soon-to-go platinum soundtrack is repeatedly playing during this horrendous time of self awareness).

All of this being said, if, for some outlandish reason, you decide to indulge yourself in the viewing of the most extensive and cheesy music video of all time, I can do nothing for you. You have ventured over to the dark side.

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