Best of Dating: If it can”t be with Elton, Marvin or Al, then it”s gonna have to be these to woo her.
Best Date Movie: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Baby, this movie will give me the opportunity to whisper the subtitles warmly into your ear, when you leave your glasses on the desk at home, inadvertently of course.
Best Unusual Date Idea: Sledding When we snuggle close on that toboggan, all snug in the latest in North Face arctic wear, it will be that much warmer afterwards by the fire.
Best Place to Meet a New Mate: In classes I will spend more time studying the nape of your neck, than those Calc 116 equations on the board. After all, I can”t understand our GSI anyways, and your skin speaks plain English to me.
Best Pickup Line: (most common response) “Hi.” All you need to say to me girl is “hi” and I”m carrying you off to paradise by my lava lamp.
(most creative response) “Your parents must be retarded because you”re pretty special.” Somewhere on this campus is someone with a profound expression of affection for Chris Burke, this is that individual”s line.
Best Place for a First Date: The Arb In the beauty of nature, you, my kumquat, shine like the sun through the cascade of tree branches over head.
Best Place for a Rendezvous: The Arb It”s not the club at the end of the street, but my little rose blossom, we can hide our love away deep in the forest.
Best Public Place for Sex: (tie) The Grad Library Stacks, The Arb Deep in the heated grad stacks, I will take a piece of oversized legal pad paper, (college ruled, of course) and tape it over the window. Cupping my hand over your mouth, so we can be shhhh silent baby. Out here in the sun, where it”s warm and the Spring touches our libidos, I”m waiting in the lean-to I built you while you were taking your Chemistry exam.
Best Rejection Line: (most common response) “No.” Girl, when you say “no” I will be a respectful gentlemen and back away. Stand up, turn on the charm and Marvin in the same smooth motion, and ask again, kinder and warmer.
(most creative response) “Sorry, I”m having an affair with your mom.” If that is the case sugar, I will respect your life decisions, and ask you sweetly for your little sister”s phone number.
Best Place to Break Up: Diag There is no better place to have the center of my world collapse than in the center of the student body. Girl, I loved you. Don”t go. Please.