Question: Who has as much talent as anyone in the country? Answer: The Michigan football team. Well, certainly more talent than Ashlee Simpson. I really hate her.

Angela Cesere
Megan Kolodgy
Angela Cesere
Ian Herbert
Angela Cesere
Matt Venegoni
Angela Cesere
Ann Uible
Angela Cesere
Gabe Edelson

Speaking of Simpsons and Michigan football, where was Mister Simpson this year? It’s not as if the Wolverines would have done any worse than 7-5 with him spending a little more time on the field. True, he is from Cincinnati (the nasty ‘Nati if you will), but what the fuck? We know he’s got enough game to mack on a chick with six hockey players at the same time, but he’d probably just say “D’oh.”

Who else has a lot of talent? Antonio Bass. That guy has completed 100 percent of his passes – all to Jason Avant. Speaking of Bass, Michigan football players have tended to sport interesting last names. Moosman, for example. Very interesting.

But moving on, if the football team had to pick a theme song for this year, I think it would probably be “Seventh Floor Crew.” Because all season long, it was like a seven-man train was all up in them. And if the Wolverines had to pick a mascot, it would be a kid with a stuttering problem, since they couldn’t finish anything they started. And if the team had to pick a television station, it would be ESPN-Plus – wait, that’s just stupid. Enough with the “if the team had to pick” crap.

It’s time to move on to more important matters –

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