Abandon Just because you win an Oscar doesn’t mean you really have that much talent. “Traffic” scribe Stephen Gaghan is teaching that class this semester. At Showcase: 1:20, 3:30, 5:45, 8:10, 10:25, 12:35 (Fri. and Sat.) 2 stars
Barbershop Despite campus reports, the planned sequel does not include the skate sharpening barbers down State Street. Sorry guys, but Ice Cube picks hos over bros so you’re out. At Showcase: 1:35, 3:40, 5:50, 8:05, 10:10, 12:25 (Fri. and Sat.) 4 stars
Brown Sugar Taye Diggs is so fine. Sanaa Lathan is also fine. This movie is nowhere near fine. At Showcase: 1:55, 4:35, 7:35, 9:55, 12:15 (Fri. and Sat.) 3 stars
Formula 51 The last cool thing Sam Jack did was his cameo at the end of “Out of Sight.” Since then his career has been given the shaft, so to speak. At Showcase: 1:05, 3:20, 5:30, 7:45, 10:00, 10:30, 12:05 (Fri. and Sat.), 12:35 (Fri. and Sat.) 3 stars
Halloween Resurrection If you missed it the first time, don’t worry, it has been resurrected in time for Halloween. So make sure you miss it again. At Showcase: 12:30 (Fri. and Sat.) 1/2 star
Igby Goes Down If Tadpole and Igby got in a fight, who would win? Oh wait, Catcher from “Good Girl” is in the ring and he’s got a gun. At Madstone: 1:30, 3:30, 5:30, 7:30, 9:30 3 1/2 stars
Jonah: A Veggie Tales Movie Biblical vegetables have never been so entertaining. Whoever made this is on serious drugs. At Showcase: 12:35, 2:25, 4:15, 6:15
Mostly Martha If you remember Martha from “A League of their Own” and hoped this movie was “mostly” about her then you are just as pathetic as me. At Madstone: 1:00, 3:05, 5:05, 7:15, 9:25
My Big Fat Greek Wedding Biggest moneymaking independent film of all time and counting. Unlike “Blair Witch” there will be no copycats, like “My Big Fat Jewish Wedding.” At Madstone: 1:10, 3:10, 5:10, 7:10, 9:10 At Showcase: 12:40, 2:40, 4:45, 6:45, 8:45, 11:00 (Fri. and Sat.) 3 stars
Red Dragon Well some people think that ‘to puff the magic dragon’ means to … puff … smoke … marijuana cigarettes. At Showcase: 1:25, 4:00, 7:10, 9:45, 12:20 (Fri. and Sat.) At Madstone: 1:00, 3:25, 5:50, 8:15, 10:35 1 1/2 stars
The Ring Naomi Watts sure likes to make films where all you do is ask tons of questions when they’re over. Wait, I saw this movie seven days ago so that means – At Showcase: 12:30, 1:30, 3:00, 4:25, 5:25, 7:25, 7:55, 9:50, 10:20, 12:10 (Fri. and Sat.), 12:40 (Fri. and Sat.) 3 1/2 stars
Rules of Attraction Watch the stars of the WB duke it out on the big screen; Dawson versus whatever Biel’s character’s name is on that stupid show of hers that most people watch on mute. At Madstone: 1:00, 3:05, 5:15, 7:30, 9:45 3 1/2 stars
Sex with Strangers I auditioned for this documentary but apparently I didn’t have the “right physique” that they were looking for. Ripped and bulging just wasn’t their cup of tea I guess. Stop laughing. At Madstone: 1:45, 3:45, 5:45, 7:45, 9:45 0 stars
Sweet Home Alabama I really just want to go home right now. Why couldn’t Reese Witherspoon do something un-angelic so I could make fun of her and go on to the next flick. Come on, Reese, be a bitch! At Showcase: 12:30, 2:45, 5:00, 7:15, 9:30, 11:45 (Fri. and Sat.) At Madstone: 1:20, 3:20, 5:20, 7:20, 9:20 3 stars
Tuck Everlasting Thank goodness that Disney has Pixar and all of its animated masterpieces or Mickey and Minnie might be whoring themselves on the street. I know it’s a ugly thought, but grow up and see that mice are just people, too. At Showcase: 12:55, 2:55, 4:55, 6:55, 9:00, 11:15 (Fri. and Sat.) 2 1/2 stars
The Tuxedo I remember the good ol’ days when Jackie was just a “Supercop” rumbling “in the Bronx” during “Rush Hour.” Now the man needs a suit to perform and its just plain sad. Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio? At Showcase: 1:10, 3:25, 5:35, 7:45, 9:55, 12:00 (Fri. and Sat.) 1 1/2 stars
White Oleander Wouldn’t it be sad if the filmmakers accidentally used real oleander and Michelle drank it and died. Yeah, that would be sad. I mean for David E. Kelley, I wouldn’t give a shit. At Showcase: 8:00, 10:15 1 star