For those of you in town for orientation, you’ve probably finished the easy part: registering for crappy classes, getting to know people you’ll probably never talk to again, facebook stalking that hot guy or girl you sat next to in the dining hall, etc.
But there is still one more thing you need that won’t be in your student handbooks.
With that said, I feel it is my duty to present to you The Fifteen Commandments of Michigan Fandom (to avoid copyright infringement from the man upstairs, I added an extra five).
You may not like them, but to claim you bleed Maize and Blue, you have to abide by them.
I: Never be satisfied with Michigan’s starting quarterback, coach, season, or, for that matter, the entire football program. Ever.
II: Do the “Claw” at football games, not the “Tomahawk Chop.” We’re the Wolverines, not the Seminoles.
III: Don’t do the wave near the end of a close football game. The wave is never cool unless Michigan is up by more than two touchdowns, with less than five minutes to play. The wave is a privilege, not a right. If you’re concentrating too hard on perfecting the wave during a tight football game, you shouldn’t even be there.
IV: Respect the marching band, and show up early to watch them march out to the field before the game. Not too many people can high step constantly in place for 30 seconds and still play a musical instrument when they’re finished.
V: Always jump up and down and scream while the opposing basketball team brings the ball up court. Air Georgia will have no reason to showcase his highlight reel dunks if the crowd isn’t into the game.
VI: Find out who Air Georgia is and learn to love him and his music.
VII: Never agree with any blocking, charging or reach-in foul that goes against Michigan. Sure, it may be obvious that Dion Harris lowered his head and pushed off his defender, but who cares. Complete illogical thinking is the name of the game when you’re a basketball fan.
VIII: Don’t attend a hockey game unless you know all the dirty little words involved in the “See-ya” chant. And don’t tell the administration I told you this.
IX: Never stay seated when the “Rocky and Bullwinkle” theme is played during a hockey game.
X: For that matter, never stay seated at any sporting event. That’s what the time between periods and quarters is for.
XI: Always cheer for the young child during Score-O. Never cheer for the middle-aged man who thinks he’s the Wayne Gretzkey of intermission promotional games.
XII: It’s always OK to cheer and laugh at the Yost Ice Arena worker who slips and falls on the ice. As long as they fall butt first.
XIII: Making fun of an opposing athlete’s goofy last name: good. Making fun of their mother: bad.
XIV: Avoid using a cell phone during a sporting event. In fact, don’t even bring it with you. Michigan fans have survived for more than 100 years without using them during a game, you can survive for a couple of hours.
XV: Never find it socially acceptable to associate yourself with anyone from East Lansing or the entire state of Ohio.
Bosch would pay to see University President Mary Sue Coleman follow any of these commandments. If you would, too, make all checks payable to H. Jose Bosch. Or just e-mail him at email@example.com.