“Faster” sucks. Really bad. Even if you see a substantial number of movies every year, this is guaranteed to be one of the worst you’ve ever watched.

“Faster”

At Quality 16 and Rave
CBS Films

After watching “Faster” you’ll ask yourself why you bothered paying to see it. And if you somehow snuck into the theater without a ticket, you’ll wonder what else you could’ve done with the 98 minutes you wasted. This movie’s plotline ranks just a few notches below your average porno in terms of how impossible, gratuitous and ultimately pointless it is.

That’s actually a pretty good way of explaining what it feels like to watch “Faster”: It’s like a porno with people getting shot through the brain instead of having sex. On second thought, no, that’s not entirely true. There is also some sex tossed in there.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (“The Other Guys”) literally gets shot in the head three different times and doesn’t die. Don’t worry, his survival makes less sense each time. At least there is some kind of metal plate in his head by the last gunshot to explain how he survives that one, because, as we all know, bullets can’t get through metal.

“Faster” begins with tons of violence and progresses into a bloody rampage so over the top that it almost starts to feel like the film’s intention is comedy, a sentiment not necessarily squashed by what appears to be intentional overacting by The Rock throughout the entire thing. His recent appearances in funnier movies may have revealed a comedic side to his acting as he’s become more comfortable on the big screen, but in “Faster,” he’s back portraying a character two parts Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” and one part rhinoceros on steroids.

Not surprisingly, the most awkwardly implausible (and thus, the most entertaining) moment of this asinine action-orgy happens in a more reflective moment for The Rock’s character. Upon learning that his former wife aborted their unborn child while he was serving his recently completed 10-year jail sentence, he sheds a real tear. Then, once it’s established that he’s pro-life and totally full of morals, he stabs a bouncer at a strip club with an ice pick, and then — because the stabbing didn’t kill him — he goes to the hospital where the bouncer was taken and shoots him in the head to finish the job.

Then he points a gun at his own mom’s head while she’s in bed and threatens to kill her if she doesn’t tell him where his dad is, so that he can go kill him, too.

This movie thinks it’s about action and revenge but it’s actually about shooting people in the head and a small Southwestern desert town where everyone does heroin. So naturally, Billy Bob Thornton (“Mr. Woodcock”) is this dystopian suburb’s most tenured cop, all set to retire and spend time with his overweight son and drugged-out wife when The Rock starts wreaking havoc on members of the town who — we are shown very explicitly — were terrible people anyway.

You won’t be invested in any aspect of this film, nor will you be entertained by its violence and fight scenes, even if you like violence and fight scenes. Friends of yours who say they liked this movie should be shunned from your inner circle, or treated the way the flawed characters in “Faster” are treated: without mercy.

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