It’s spring – when a young man’s heart turns to thoughts of love, and Hollywood turns to sloppy seconds. Let’s get down to it, shall we?

Britney Spears, hot mess extraordinaire and sulky rehab patient, was apparently dating a young man she met in rehab by the name of Jason Filyaw until the rumors were denied. It’s a bad sign, Britney, when people start getting embarrassed at being romantically linked to you. In more boring Britney news, the ex-Pepsi spokeswoman is also reportedly addicted to Coke. Staff at the Promises center, where she is undergoing treatment, told press that she drinks 24 cans a day. At the rate she’s going, she’ll has osteoporosis by the time she’s thirty, in addition to cirrhosis, emphysema, and two children who resent her. If, as her spokesperson says, Spears is suffering from the symptoms of post-partum depression, we hope she can kick out of it in time to keep her kids from growing up with K-fed.

Everyone’s golden girl, Reese Witherspoon, has been seen cuddling up (very secretly, though not secretly enough to avoid hotel-stalking paparazzi) to Jake Gyllenhaal, the ex of another skinny blond, Kirsten Dunst. Witherspoon and Gyllenhaal, who finished filming “Rendition” together last year. Way to go, Reese. Not only is Gyllenhaal best “pals” with Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey, we also can’t seem to remember the name of the last movie he was in. “Seabiscuit?” No, that was Tobey McGuire. Same difference.

In another blond/brunette coupling, though a gender reversal, Rachel Bilson of late “O.C.” fame has been seen strolling around and sharing romantic lunches with Hayden Christenson, whose reputation for good acting only slightly exceeds her own. Bilson, whose off-screen relationship with Adam Brody flickered out of its pale existence last December, was last seen in Zach Braff’s “The Last Kiss.” Christenson has lately been linked to Sienna Miller, his “Factory Girl” co-star, but unless he gives into his dark side, Bilson should be okay.

As for Sienna’s ex, Jude Law and Lindsey Lohan are reportedly partying together and looking very cozy, according to various sources. In this case, we can’t think of a more perfect match than a 35-year-old dirty Brit and a 19-year-old former child star. Perhaps in this case the nanny won’t be necessary.

All this talk of Lindsey leads nicely into another kind of ex – her father, Michael Lohan, ex-con who was released from prison this past week. Lohan is supposedly so paranoid about her father coming near her, she had staff bulk up the security at nightclub Plumm. This is obviously not a girl with any daddy issues. We’re sure this has nothing to do with her attraction to older men and her early onset alcoholism.

Moving on to Angelina Jolie, ex-movie star – or so she says. Jolie, who just adopted her fourth child, has reportedly told the press that she will not make any more movies and will instead stay home to pursue a job as full-mother to her intercontinental brood. The latest addition is 3-year-old Pax Thien Jolie, adopted from an orphanage in Vietnam, who joins Zahara, Maddox, and Shiloh as the fortunate offspring of Hollywood’s most pulchritudinous parents.

As far as the underage Hollywood crowd goes, we’re not sure who’s dating Brandon Davis this week, but we do know that we’re sick of hearing about it. With all the exes, rebounds, and Olsons mixed up in that, we don’t even want to touch any gossip that might come crawling out. All the Kristins, Mischas, and Parises should just get together, have a Hellenistic orgy and get it over with. Then we’ll have a whole new batch of exes on our hands, ones that we won’t mind talking dirty about.

– Nguyen can be reached at banguyen@umich.edu.

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