The University community was stunned late Wednesday when a
brigade of evil twins from a parallel universe calling themselves
“The Legion of Sensible Corruption,” seized control of
the Fleming Administration Building and deposed their real world
counterparts.
- Janna Hutz
- Evil Twin Sue Mary Coleman took control of the University this week, but seeing as the real Mary Sue Coleman was already screwing students over, nobody seemed to care at all. (Courtsey of nobody you care about)
The rash of doppelgangers promptly took control of classrooms
and offices around campus, subverting traditional Wolverine values
and twisting them to their own sick ends.
“Let the reign of blood and apprehension begin now,”
said the new self-proclaimed “University Pope For
Life,” Sue Mary Coleman, speaking from her sinister lair atop
the freshly erected malevolence Red Square-esque domes on top of
the Angell Hall.
“Power is mine, foolish academics and students! My iron
fist of … well, of iron, but also of SUPREMACY will control
your pitiful existences.” At this point a bolt of lightening
cracked ominously through the sky and Sue Mary cackled wickedly for
a full four minutes before continuing.
“Starting Monday, we will be instituting our deadly plan
of destruction code-named ’Vulture Heart.’ First, we
will immediately begin shifting money away from the practical
Natural Sciences to start ruthlessly funding the Liberal Arts! The
Musical Theater program will be taking over the Chemistry Building,
and Comparative Lit. shall be move right into the newly constructed
LSI facilities. Chaos will rule — muhahahahahaha!”
New basketball coach Timmy Amaker announced his intention to
viciously start running a traditional offense on opponents.
“No longer will be holding back on the court, we will start
trying to score and perhaps even to win! Be afraid, be very
afraid!” said the evil twin, who sported a horrifying tie and
suit instead of a wholesome, non-threatening mock turtleneck.
Friday morning, the villainously goateed Mark Lassiter, taking
over for American history professor and Golden Apple winner Matt
Lassiter, announced to a stunned lecture hall that Nixon was a
genius and that hippies were a foul bane on the human race. Dude,
it was loco!
Seriously I was going to write something about English Prof. Ron
Williams flaying his freakishly small hands to and fro but fuck it.
You aren’t reading anyways … I need a drink … I
definitely need a drink.
<The premise of this joke is that the evil twins are better
than the jerks who run Michigan. Get it? Screw everybody who
didn’t laugh.>