Erin Kaplan: Checks and balances

The money in it is mine, and it always has been, but I try not
to borrow against it. I want to save as much as possible, however,
it’s reassuring to know that if I find myself in a pinch, it
will be there.

So should it be with play. If you’re having a drought, or
a slow season, then you should be able to borrow against your
future play so that you don’t have to resort to getting
really drunk Friday night at your cast party, and so you
don’t have to start making out with cast members, whom thus
far have been just friends.

Yes, ladies — but predominantly to the gentlemen who have
been complaining about the lack of sex in this column — this
one’s for you.

I don’t really know how it happened. I started drinking
and, as always, drank a respectable amount without getting drunk
(yes, I can drink most of my male and female friends under the
table).

So, when I approached my friend Sam, who was clutching a bottle
of Everfine “juice,” and said in a British accent,
“Please, sir, I want some more,” I clearly didn’t
have the faintest idea of what I was in for. Either Everfine has a
nasty sense of humor, or Sam makes the strongest drinks ever.
Regardless, I was drunkitty, drunk, drunk, drunk. Sam, I hold you
personally responsible for what ensued.

The night has more holes that Swiss cheese, but thanks to my
good friends, who relish in my embarrassment, it is starting to
come together.

There was an “outdoor rendezvous,” a rousing
rendition of “The Cell Block Tango” from
“Chicago,” more substances and finally, a bathroom
encounter that led me to say, “So that happened,” in
the morning.

This is precisely why I need a play savings account because
Friday night, I officially overdrew from my checking.

This led me to a whole new line of questioning: What next?
Nothing, something, anything? I asked one of my good male friends
how to go about achieving the “fuck buddy,” more for
rhetorical purposes than anything else. I wanted to know my
options.

He told me that my initial window of opportunity would have been
to say, “That was fun. We should do it again sometime.”
But no. I love David Mamet films, so I had to quote “State
and Main” and say, “So that happened.”

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

So now, I’m not quite sure what to do; leave well enough
alone and play it by ear, or, do I try to achieve that delicate
balance of the friend with benefits. Or, what’s even scarier,
do I want, and am I capable of something more?

Lets face it. I don’t have time, nor do I think I even
want a relationship at this point, but that doesn’t mean I
want to be totally alone.

I’m at a point where I’m not looking for anything
permanent, but if I stumbled upon it … okay then. What I
have to figure out is whether or not Friday night was a stumble or
just another inebriated fall down the metaphorical stairs.

While there are a dozen reasons to put oneself out there, there
are a few very-real fears that make so many people, myself
included, unable to do so.

There’s the fear of rejection, the reasoning that it was
due to the alcohol that I hooked-up that evening, the concern that
two people (thinking independently of each other) have reached
different conclusions of what they want in the future and then
there’s the greatest concern of all — that things work
out well.

I keep getting e-mails from readers telling me to stop hating
men. Once and for all, I do not and never have hated men. It just
so happens, however, that of the experiences that I have had with
them, the majority have been relatively negative. This is why
things “working out” is so daunting: Things never
“work out.”

I am a big proponent of letting things happen, partly because I
do think that everything happens for a reason. It’s not
necessarily part of some larger cosmic plan, but everything we do,
and everything that is done to us, teaches us lessons in life.

However, one of my attractions to the “let things
happen” attitude is that it’s really, really easy.
It’s no muss, no fuss. I don’t have to take action,
because “everything happens for a reason.”

Well, maybe that’s all bullshit and I need to do
something. My checking is getting low and since the “play
savings account” doesn’t yet exist … maybe I
need to make a move of my own.

— If you think the idea of a play account has merits,
you can contact Erin at
“mailto:erkaplan@umich.edu”>erkaplan@umich.edu.