As the beginning of my sophomore year approaches, I’ve realized that the freedom of being an “undecided” is coming to a close. I’ll no longer be able to respond to the question, “What are you majoring in?” with, “I’m pre-med and considering organizational studies, public policy, economics, Spanish, neuroscience and psychology.” I’m going to have to choose.

The biggest factors I will look at when choosing a major are interesting required courses, difficulty level, job placement, ability to double major or minor and, most importantly, which major will best improve my odds of getting a girlfriend.

A few days ago, I witnessed my friend unintentionally impress the ladies by dropping “I’m a physics major.” This simple declaration elicited many more “ooo’s” and “aaaah’s” from girls than my “I’m considering economics.” This makes perfect sense from my vantage point. Unfortunately for the everyday economics major, the rules of economics dictate that when something (or in this case someone) is in short supply, its value goes up. So while there are hundreds of econ majors, there are relatively few physics majors, and I think this rarity could be a big turn on for girls. However, that same rarity of students in physics shrinks the “supply” (keeping with the econ terminology) of girls (and all people) that will be in upper level physics classes, while conversely there are many girls taking upper level economics courses.

Ideally, I want a major in which there will be many girls — or demanders — in required courses, but few guys — or suppliers — so I can be that hot, token, unique guy.

In both my intro psychology course and upper level Spanish course, there was definitely a good ratio of girls to guys. But like economics, psychology and Spanish majors are too common — and therefore not as exotic as concentrating in quantum mechanics.

So no Spanish, no psychology, no physics and no economics. There must be at least one major whose academic philosophy is conducive to attracting women. The light bulb just went on – I am going to be a philosophy major. Philosophy is perfect: there aren’t too many philosophy majors — so I’d be a hot commodity — philosophy has a 50/50 ratio of guys to girls and honestly, what girl wouldn’t be attracted to a sensitive, deep guy who studies Aristotle and “the meaning of life.”

Finally, after a year and half of dabbling in classes from chemistry to psychology to economics to Spanish, I will declare my major in philosophy.

But just before I declared my major, I realized that my very unsexy, cheesy and mostly desperate “scientific” analysis completely ignored the most important rule of research: correlation is not causation.

The variable that causes a guy to get a good girlfriend isn’t his major, but what type of person he is. After all of my “research,” I think I am going to major in a topic I am passionate about and interested in. I am sure that I will meet a girl who likes me for who I am, and not for what my concentration certificate reads.

Eric Stulberg can be reached at estul@umich.edu.

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