After seven students in its middle schools became pregnant last year, a Maine school district voted to start offering contraceptives to its middle school students. This way, when pre-pubescent teenage boys pick their dates up on their bikes, they can have a condom in their Pokemon wallet. You know, just in case.

Sex Ed

Rating: 6 out of 10

Absolutely no chance of winning

Entered as a write-in candidate, 19-year-old Taras Nykoriak is running for mayor of Warren, Mich. Although he is young, his list of accomplishments is short and he is running against two veteran candidates, people say Ron Paul has a chance at the presidency, so this kid must have a chance at becoming Warren’s mayor too – Hell just has to freeze over first.

Rating: 4 out of 10

An endless debate

Although this may be news to just about everyone, any Republican debate was held Sunday. Just a guess, but all of them want a bigger military funded with fewer taxes by a smaller government that stays out of private lives except for gay people, immigrants and anybody who might be a terrorist.

Rating: 1 out of 10

Disease in America’s schools

When several high schools across the country discovered some of their students, particularly male athletes, were infected with MRSA, or methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus, many began introducing a new concept to their make students: hygiene. Being on the football team is pretty cool, but not if you have a penicillin-resistant, flesh-eating infection.

Rating: 5 out of 10

Long-lost cousins

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have more in common than anyone had ever guessed. It turns out, they are all cousins. Having Bush as an 11th cousin and Cheney as a ninth cousin once removed may be bad for Obama’s campaign, but it might be worse for Bush, who can no longer hate black people.

Rating: 6 out of 10

Earmarking woodstock

Democratic New York senators Hillary Clinton and Charles Schumer failed last week to attach a $1 million earmark to a health and education spending bill in support of a Woodstock museum commemorating the famous concert in 1969. Republicans just weren’t digging it, man.

Rating: 3 out of 10

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