Slowly, battle lines are being drawn across the global community. Some conflict is creeping up, and undoubtedly, the United States will either be at its center, or just get in the middle of it. Like RISK – the game of total world domination – the United States is seeking countries, although not to conquer, but instead, to garner their support.

Paul Wong
Luke Smith

Those who join us will be champions. It has to be that way, right? For decades, the United States has thrust itself against numerous adversaries, drafting themselves as the lynchpin of both the world economy and the world’s chief protectorate and defender of the realm. That is the way it is, isn’t it?

Consequently, because of our escalated position, the world of war politics and the allegiances contained therein are often drafted in two colors – black and white. The United States’ role as defender of the light allows President Bush et al to subscribe to a simple arithmetic in the new hotness of political debate – the Iraq issue. The equation is quite simple, even for the masterminds of U.S. policy:

Axis of Evil Membership Card + Weapons of Mass Destruction = Invasion of your land. It’s pretty basic stuff, this President business; could someone fax me an application?

The enemies list is growing, unabated. Germany is opposed to a war in Iraq (since when did Germany stop liking war), France is against us too (the French are naturally predisposed to be against Americans, so this really shouldn’t count) and Russia is on the bandwagon too. Nevermind China, North Korea and Saudi Arabia, who have each tipped their hats against an Iraq Attaq ((c) Luke Smith).

Forget the Axis of Evil, the aforementioned nations, with their opposition of the indomitable and infallible reputation of the United States’ foreign policy have outed themselves as the enemy of the United States and therefore – because of our incontinent benevolence – the proponents and undoubtedly the facilitators of evil.

The invasion equation faces a slightly different application when applied to countries whose leaders have disrespected President Bush’s father. Because of Saddam Hussein’s urination on the United States’ demands during President Bush Sr.’s reign. Instead of a simple addition problem, the equation’s left side is raised to the second power. This effects the right side of the equation, by increasing exponentially both the likelihood and degree of a forthcoming attack.

Based on the Bush arithmetic, North Korea is no doubt due for an invasion. Maybe we should even simulcast the attacks split-screen on FOX News: Double the violence, double the ratings. However, since North Korea’s leadership didn’t step to George W.’s pappy, like that big evil Saddam Hussein did, the formula for North Korea is altered. After leaving North Korea with our tails between our legs before, Dubya is no doubt hesitant to return, so instead of the equation of invasion, we sent North Korea a Happy Halloween card, with a Snickers bar and a note reading, “Disarm plz. – The U.S.”

But why should North Korea, or any country, have to disarm? Well that’s easy. Because we said so. “Hey North Korea, this is the United States. Listen, you need to lose those nukes. The United Nations doesn’t allow them; we’re just acting on their behalf. Us? Yeah, we have nukes, but God likes us, so disarm, pagans!

Since we are God’s favorite country and consequently always correct, what if God liked France more than us and France got to use our foreign policy “techniques?” Imagine French President Jacques Chirac giving the Oval Office a ring: “Hey G-dub, bonjour! Listen, things are getting sticky-icky-icky over in your neck of the woods, so I wuz thinkin’ we’re going to send some troops into Detroit to get some of the crime and murder under control. It is just a peacekeeping force … and they’ll be there tomorrow. Holla. Merci!”

Not in 10 million years would France’s peacekeeping troops be allowed in this country. But, one of the privileges of being The Chosen Country is the hypocrisy that comes with being King. So naturally, we’re the first to butt into other countries’ business – because father America knows best.

Somewhere in his tower a couple weeks ago, Donald Rumsfeld was scratching his head and furrowing his brow thinking, “If we’d just taken care of that hostage situation in Russia for them, then they would be all over this war in Iraq business with us.”

Ah, the brilliant push-pull of the foreign policy, a policy whose mantra is coded along the lines of: Hey nations of the world, we’ll help you out whether you want it or not, but first, pledge your allegiance to our flag.

Luke Smith can be reached at lukems@umich.edu.

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