By now, you’ve heard all the conventional rites of passage at the University. Don’t step on the “M” until you’ve taken your first blue book exam. Walk through the fountain during orientation. Get onto the roof of a University building sometime in your undergraduate career. Have sex in the Harlan Hatcher Graduate Library’s stacks before graduating.

Jessica Boullion
Jessica Boullion
Jessica Boullion
Jessica Boullion
Jessica Boullion
Jessica Boullion
Steps one through six to have sex in the Graduate Library. (ALEX DZIADOSZ/Daily)

Getting busy in the silent shelves of one of the University’s largest collections is a must for the more daring lovers of Michigan’s undergrads. After all, Trojan just ranked us the third safest school in the nation when it comes to education regarding sexual health. We might as well celebrate, and everyone knows that the best way to spice up your love life is to shake things up. All it takes is a little guidance (and real-life cojones) to make it easier for you to have your “O.” Right between the “N” and “P.”

Trust us. We’ve done it.

Step 1: Pick your time.

This step is critical to a) help you find an empty carrel and b) keep from getting caught. Avoid the library at all costs during midterms and finals. Not only are hundreds of people studying right on top of each other while they nurse their stress-induced colds, it’s also a lot harder to get in the groove when people are shushing you over the tops of the carrels. Coming is hard when you’re being asked to leave.

Step 2: Gather your equipment.

This varies from couple to couple, although we don’t recommend anything that makes noise over a few decibels (i.e. whips, chains, sex toys). What’s required are a few key pieces of clothing. For girls, skirts are pretty much de rigueur – slip the panties down, spread the knees, you’re all set. Also, skirts provide an excellent contingency excuse in the absolute worst-case, highly-unlikely possibility that someone walks in. For all they know, you’re just sitting on his lap. As for the boys, roomy attire will help you get where you want without too much fuss. Boxers are a must. There’s no room for tighty-whiteys – literally. Same-sex couples and groups can adapt these techniques to fit their own requirements.

A few other things will also make your love session less viewer-friendly – a newspaper or something similar to tape over the small window in the door of each carrel. And to carry your paraphernalia? Backpacks are a good idea. It’s a university, people, and you’ll look less suspicious if you give off the appearance of using the library for, say, studying.

Step 3: Choose your location.

There are several floors of stacks in the library that offer dozens of private-study carrels – exactly what you want for your bibliophilic adventure. Stay away from carrels with large windows facing other buildings, where the cubicle caddies might easily get an eyeful. Cruise the floors before you settle down. What you’re looking for is as much solitude as possible, so the fewer students, the better, unless you’re an exhibitionist. (In which case, by all means) You also definitely want to avoid the librarians who wander the stacks every so often reshelving books. No need to tempt them with what they aren’t getting.

Step 4: Prepare your love nest.

There are just a few things to keep in mind before you get to it. Use that newspaper you’ve packed, and tape over the window so it’s opaque. Arrange the chair accordingly (and you will want to use the chair; the study areas are too small to stretch out) and adjust your clothing for maximum effect.

Step 5: Prepare yourself.

Guys, get the condom. Remember to control your breathing, and keep your kisses soft – that smack can be heard for miles. Foreplay.

Step 6: Fuck.

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