It”s two o”clock in the morning I have been having trouble sleeping lately, and I don”t know exactly why. Perhaps it is because of my two-foot-wide university supplied bed that I can”t roll over on. Perhaps it is because this is the first time in my life that I am actually sleeping in a room that I can call my very own. Or, perhaps it is because I do my deepest thinking when I am laying down to sleep. What”s on my mind early this morning?

The one thing that I really yearn for, yet seems to constantly elude me

I promised myself that I would never write a bleeding heart column about love it”s been overdone, and it is often used as a means to try to hook up with someone. However, I am going on a rare, insomnia-induced, Jerry Maguire-esque change of character, and I am going to follow my heart instead of my cerebral just this once.

There exists no all-consuming definition of love. It transcends all boundaries of race, age, and, well, sanity. Love is not designed for scientists, psychiatrists or any other analysts to dissect, as it will always defy all human comprehension. Love will make us reach so far away from ourselves, even with the omnipresent risk of failure and heartbreak we either fall to the tune of a hurt that no physical pain could parallel, or we rise to a level that no drug invented could achieve. I view love as one of many inherent human weaknesses, but this is the one that so many more of us could use this weakness is forgivable.

Men enjoy putting up a faade for one another when it comes to matters of the heart, but I challenge the hardest hard-rock to turn his back on his emotions. That feeling you get you know, the one where it feels like someone is running fingernails around your stomach lining that feeling that makes you more than happy to wake up and attend an 8 a.m., two-hour lecture just to see your object of affection. That feeling of sheer hope and anticipation for what could possibly be. That feeling, man Absolutely nothing can come even close. That feeling has made me haul my ass to the store, in my pajamas, in ten-degree weather, at three o”clock in the morning, just to get flowers. Insane, isn”t it?

So where is she, eh? Where is the girl? I don”t see her. Being a romantic at heart means nothing when there is no one to be romantic with. My arm has not a soul on it. You see, I have the problem of being contradictory when it comes to these things I am fully aware that the best, longest-lasting relationships are those that are not jumped into, yet my characteristic lack of patience makes me very anxious for something that I know cannot be rushed. There is only so far flirtation can go before it loses purpose. There is only so far that casual sex can go before it becomes a yearning for something with more depth. I always promise myself that I will keep it nice and easy when I first meet a lady that tickles my fancy, but I can”t help myself I get to thinking about what could be, and I fall. Is this how it is supposed to work? Do all guys have that trigger within them that, when pulled just the right way

Or is it just me?

I can”t tell anymore. It is very late and I have long ago gotten beside myself in writing this. Yet the issue at hand remains: Where is she? I can”t find her, try as I may. What, am I looking in the wrong places? My mother once asked me, “Why is it that you don”t keep any girlfriends?” I said to her frankly, at the risk of sounding arrogant, “”Cause Ma, I haven”t found any one yet worthy to bring home to you.” And this is the unbridled truth if I were simply searching for a woman that represented my idea of physically attractive, I would have long ago been in a relationship. Silly me, though I like my women with some depth. Don”t let this whole distinguished university thing fool you poking around, dating, and meeting people like I do, I realize that there are an astounding number of people, both men and women, with massive air pockets between their two ears.

Where is that woman that will cut the mindless crap and engage in a meaningful conversation with me? Where is that independent woman with the inner strength that won”t take any stuff from anyone the woman with a mind of her own who isn”t afraid to disagree with her man if necessary? Where is the woman that I can stay up all night with on a weekend and lose all sense of time just talking with her? Where is the woman with the outer beauty that can only be balanced by her inner beauty? Where is the woman that I could never get tired of just holding? Where is the woman that I can look at everyday and safely say that the sun rises and sets with her?

Words lose relevance after some time I can just say that somewhere out there is that overlooked, winning lottery ticket, and I just have to keep wading through the garbage to find it. Again, I know that these things can”t be rushed, and that I need to adopt the patience that may benefit me in this situation. My ace kept it nice and simple, “If it was meant to be, then it will.” If you have it already, and it”s real, then you better do your damnedest to maintain that beautiful thing, because you are one step ahead of the game already. If you truly love a person, and you have that jones deep inside that only that person can give you, you gotta tell them! What do you have to lose besides everything? It is what it is not always fair and not always genuine, but I would be playing myself if I didn”t respect love as that which makes the world spin. Someday, right?

4:12 a.m. Time for bed.


Dustin Seibert can be reached via e-mail at

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