Yeah. So he”s a Saturday Night Live rip-off. Who else am I allowed to send a wish list to? I”m Jewish. It”s not like I can say, “Hey Santa, can you spare a minute?” Before I came to this university, I always pined for a community that celebrated Hanukkah, just like me. I was the only menorah-lighter in a high school of 2,500 kids.
My town is so small and so Christian that for my 9th grade honors English course, I had to describe heaven in 300 words or less. No joke.
Now survey says that 33 percent of my peers practice Judaism and I am suddenly feeling claustrophobic. We”re everywhere. And I have no more understanding of other religions than I did before. Is there a Kwanzaa Fairy? What is Ramadan, really? Why aren”t these doctrines made more apparent on campus?
Is it only Christianity that makes cute little jingles to promote membership? Silent night. Holy night. Why do we Jews get stuck with “The Dreidle Song?”
And why does the Super Wal-Mart in my town only carry Christmas cards? “Do you have non-denominational holiday cards?” I ask the clerk. “What?” she says, adjusting her mullet.
So, whoever you are, whatever you do, please forgive my religious ignorance as I make a few requests for the holiday season. Perhaps I should take Ralph Williams” religions class with the rest of the universe. Maybe then I would have an idea on who to write.
Sarah”s Wish List:
No. 1: Please let the squirrels vacate Ann Arbor by New Year”s Eve. Today my roommate Amanda received a package from her boyfriend. It was a bit mangled and the postman had scribbled: Amanda, sorry about the package. It was chewed by a squirrel. (Seriously) Walt-the-Postman. I”m going to frame his note.
No. 2: Please let Christmas lights stay in style. They are so cool. Why can”t we keep them up year-round? People might argue that we”d become tired of them, but I don”t think that this is the case. Florida has the sun year-round and people don”t get tired of that. In fact, if you stay in Michigan long enough, you will notice that all of its old people migrate to Florida, eventually. They know what”s up. Who says that age doesn”t correlate with wisdom?
No. 3: Please let the Lions make a comeback. Please. And while we”re on that note, please let Michigan win the Citrus Bowl.
No. 4: Please let someone besides my mom, my roommates, Rachel, Cody and Jose Jaime Tungol III read my column. If someone prestigious likes it, then I might be more inclined to choose a major.
No. 5: Please let the relatives be tolerable this year. I don”t think my self-esteem can handle another year of being told that my haircut is boyish, or that my Pumas are “interesting.” I don”t want to humor Aunt Edie as she complains for three hours about her bunions, or Uncle Barry as he complains for three hours about Aunt Edie. Why do I still address them as “aunt” and “uncle,” anyway? And why do I still sit at the goddamn kids” table? I”m 20-years-old.
So I guess that wraps up my superficial thoughts. And that wraps up the column for the semester.
If you really want me back, picket the Student Publications Building tell them that you love me, and that you will be miserable if I am replaced.
Also, on the most important note, please let the world be OK in this coming year. And let my loved ones, and your loved ones, be okay, too. Everyone be so careful.
Season”s greetings to 420 Packard, my Squad friends, past and present, Dave and the merry G-Men, and all of you who are reading this.
P.S. (Anything from Tiffany”s is acceptable.)
Sarah Rubin can be reached at email@example.com.