There are numerous books you can read to
better your performance on law school exams, but search the shelves
of the local Borders and you’ll find almost no helpful
material on how to better your undergraduate grades. Until now.

Mira Levitan

In the paragraphs that follow, I lay out a simple, five-step
process for increasing your grade point average. If you’re
looking for better grades, this is the system for you. If
you’re already happy with your 4.0, my process will show you
how to maintain that level of excellence while not putting in as
much effort. And if you think a degree is about
“reclassifying the traditional notions of race, class and
gender in “economics,” “experiences” or
“diversity” and that I shouldn’t be promoting a
system that undermines the integrity of a liberal arts education,
you’re probably in the Residential College and beyond help
anyway.

The premise of my system is based on the simple, irrefutable
fact that the majority of college professors are liberal. Moreover,
contrary to popular belief, these professors are not as open-minded
as they would have us believe. From the following, it can
reasonably be suggested that in order to do well, one must write
and express ideas as the professor would. This means writing and
expressing liberal ideas. If you’re a conservative, this
means selling out.

So, if you’re not afraid, keep reading. It’s the
ultimate form of capitalism: selling out in the short run to
increase your overall net benefit (measured in dollars, of course)
in the long run.

Now, without further ado, here is my process for increasing your
grade point average.

First, before you register for classes, search the courseguide
for classes whose descriptions use one, or all, of the three
liberal buzzwords: “race,” “class” or
“gender.” There should be hundreds of these classes, so
don’t worry about not finding enough.

Second, when you register for a class, make sure it is a
300-level class that has essay/paper requirements only. English 313
— Ancient Greece and Modern Gay Identity — is a perfect
example. Take a 300-level class because the subjects are generally
more nuanced than 100- and 200- level classes (which require a
great deal of memorization and work). Also, you can write an
A-quality essay without any substantive knowledge of the reading,
as I illustrate in Step 5.

Third, do not read any of the assigned material.

Fourth, participate in class. Yeah, I know what you’re
thinking: How can I participate if I haven’t done the
reading? The answer is easy. Wait until someone raises his hand and
makes a comment about the reading. Then wait until someone else
makes a contrary point. Immediately raise your hand and suggest
that the actual interpretation is some combination of the two, and
add a generalized theme which brings the comments together. Because
the assigned reading undoubtedly deals with some form of
oppression, your generalized statement should say something to the
effect of “and when considered in light of the fact that
women at that time couldn’t vote, is it really surprising
that (character Y) is searching for a way to vindicate her civil
rights?”

Fifth, when it comes time to write a paper, skim the reading
material for a few quotes that could reasonably be suggestive of
some underlying liberal theme — for example, that “The
Red Badge of Courage” is actually about lesbianism— and
use these quotes as evidence of the underlying theme. Make sure you
emphasize in your paper that “although this topic is not
explicitly addressed in the text” your excerpted quotes can
reasonably be suggestive of whatever generalized theme you chose.
Any substantive knowledge is not required because —
surprise-surprise —most 300-level liberal arts classes have
no substantive basis. They’re merely a front for teaching the
politics of race, class and gender.

Finally, sit back and watch the A’s pour in. You’ll
rise like the privileged class and separate yourself from the rest
of the pack like the blacks, whites, Asians, Indians and Hispanics
in the Mary Markley cafeteria.

For additional information or a more personalized system, feel
free to contact me. I teach a weekly seminar for the reasonable
price of $100 an hour. RC students need not apply.

Lee can be reached at
“mailto:leedc@umich.edu”>leedc@umich.edu.

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