As any Ann Arbor resident could tell you, A2 is a fine little college town, but it”s not without its share of flaws. For every restaurant that you take your parents to when they come for a visit, there is a house of culinary nightmares that makes you feel like taking a shower after eating there. For every great spot for public sex, there”s a dark little corner you wouldn”t go into without Dirty Harry”s .44 Magnum and a friend to watch your back. With that in mind, I present the Worst of Ann Arbor, culled from my own personal experience:
Worst Place to Meet a New Mate: (tie) The parking lot behind what used to be Taco Bell North Campus.
Worst Place to People Watch: The Mason Hall men”s bathrooms at 2 a.m.
Worst Public Place for Sex: The Arb. At midnight. On Friday the 13th.
Worst Pickup Line: (tie) “Hey baby, I”ve got an F, a C and a K, now all I need is U” “Hi, I”m the Managing Arts Editor for The Michigan Daily” The first one only works when Chris Kula says it. The second one never works.
Worst Fast Food Restaurant: The South University McDonald”s The only saving grace of this durdy trash pit is that the girls who work there are real, real easy. Just ask the 1108 Thugz.
Worst Way to Go to Bed: Angry.
Worst Way to Wake Up: The morning after St. Patrick”s Day, with the left side of your face caked in green vomit that might or might not be your own, lying next to “Gary,” the midget your housemates hired to dress up as a Leprechaun and pump beer for your St. Patty”s day party.
Worst Live Music Club to Refer to as “Cockroach Infested” in a Music Review: The Blind Pig.
Worst Place to Smoke Crack: Anywhere Don”t smoke crack, kids, it”s “sketchy.”
Worst Campus Tradition: The Naked Mile It”s not a bad tradition, it”s just so disappointing. The ratio of men to women is so high that calling it a “sausage fest” would be grossly inadequate. And I”d be the first one to say that the female body is beautiful, and that it is worthy of being put on a pedestal in a gilded cage, but all bets are off when said body is cold and running.
Worst Place for a First Date: Cottage Inn. With Meredith Keller.
Worst Place to Open a Business: Ann Arbor Unless it”s a corporate mega-chain, you don”t have a snowball”s chance in hell, and even then nobody will respect you.
Worst Local Band: Skim Milf Yeah, I liked these guys the first time I saw them when they were called Primus! Progressive rock went out with the “70s, guys, it”s time to move on. Just kidding, Skim Milf rules, they were the best part of Hash Bash.
Worst Thing to Hear Screamed at You From a Passing SUV: “Hey Douchebag! You suck!” Goddamned New Yorkers.
Worst Time to be Kicked: When you”re down.
Worst Place for a Power Nap: Angell Hall Auditorium D, during a midterm that you haven”t studied for, in a class that you haven”t been to since the first week (both resulting from the fact that you”re a hermit who spends most of his life in the Student Publications Building), and you”re really not used to being up at 10 a.m.
Worst Waiting Room: UHS, when you need to find out what the deal is with those funny red bumps you found “down there.”
Worst Rejection Line: “We had one class together, Ben, one class. Why are you telling everybody that I”m your girlfriend? Look, don”t ever call this number again.”
Worst Time for a Game of Battleship: Never Battleship is fun for all occasions.
Worst Pop Culture Reference in a Conversation: “Dude, you”re like the guy from that one movie where he”s like “Uhhhhhh uhhhhhh! (laughing uncontrollably) uhhhhhh!” Know what I”m sayin”?”
Worst Way to Make The Daily”s Crime Notes: Rob a bunch of tampon dispensers It seems like a good time at first, just chillin” with your friends, robbing some tampon dispensers, but then you get caught and you have to explain it to your mom. Needless to say, when it happened to me I was mortified.
Worst Slang: “Spare some change for food?” I still don”t know what this really means. I usually just ignore people who say it.
Worst Professor: Public Enemy”s Professor Griff He”s not associated with the University in any way, but I heard he”s an anti-Semite. Which places him squarely on my shit-list.
Worst Local Publication: The Michigan Review It”s where ugly men go to die.
Worst Pizza: The garbage cans outside of the Diag Party Store This stuff is barely worth the 99 cents when it”s hot and fresh. But when it”s been sitting in trash for a couple of days? Fuggedaboutit.
Worst Waste of a Beautiful Morning: Going to class Do you really want to miss out on the world”s beauty because you were stuck inside a lecture hall listening to some creepy professor drone on and on about God knows what? Oh yeah? Well then I feel sorry for you.
Worst Thing to Find in Your Kitchen: (tie) Mice a deranged woman looking for aluminum cans Be very thankful you don”t live in my filthy house.
Worst Pain: (tie) Lost love getting smashed in the nuts with a bat.
Ben Goldstein can be reached at email@example.com, but don”t bother him he”s a very bitter individual