I”ll level with you. It”s 4 a.m., hours before I submit my final article for The Michigan Daily and I can”t sleep because I”m terrified and lonely.
For the last five years, I”ve had such a spirited campus surrounding me activity and camaraderie abound fear of isolation has been a non-issue.
But there are no late-night nerds or drunks staggering along State Street tonight, and the silence reminds me that I”m entering a frightening period of life one in which nights of solitude will be standard.
Most likely, I will be covering high school sports for a newspaper like the Corpus Christi Caller-Times, the Fargo Forum or the Missoula Missoulian. It will be tough to make friends because I will be viewed as a sassy city boy, and it will be difficult to meet girls, because the prize picks will have been nabbed and married right after high school.
So while I wallow in self-pity, I”ve decided to use my media powers to make one last-ditch effort at finding the perfect woman one who can alleviate my loneliness.
“What really matters is what you like, not what you are like call me shallow, it”s the fucking truth.” (John Cusack, “High Fidelity”)
If you are my one, most, if not all of the following characteristics will apply:
1. You must be an exuberant sports fan. My enchantress will happily watch four-consecutive college basketball games in fact, she will have skipped classes to watch the NCAA Tournament less than a month ago, be still my heart.
I will not be offended if m”lady is attracted to certain male athletes I won”t even mind if she tells me. However, you would never utter a sentence like “Derek Jeter is a lot hotter than you are.” You would never even think that.
You will certainly not try to make-out with me during Bowl Games to see which one I love more.
2. You must be willing to sell your soul for rock n” roll. I want a woman who plays a mean air guitar, a woman who can really rock out to tracks like AC/DC”s “Thunderstruck.”
If you can sing all the words to The Who”s “Don”t Get Fooled Again” or mouth the organ part to “Light my Fire,” you”re definitely a strong candidate.
If Dream, Macy Gray or the Goo Goo Dolls contribute to your CD collection, it wasn”t meant to be.
Above all else, you will always choose a bar with live bands over one with the same old piped-in DMX, and you will never, never disparage Led Zeppelin.
3. You should be able to quote movies. This is such an important means of communication in my life. A girl who can”t recite and interpret movie quotes would be completely out of the loop.
For instance, suppose Michigan State is about to get bounced from the NCAA Tournament, and we”re pressed for time to get to the Guns N” Roses concert. You should be able to take my statement “dishes are done” reference it to “Don”t Tell Mom the Babysitter”s Dead” and construe that I”m telling you “the Spartans are getting killed, let”s haul ass to the concert.”
While on the subject of movies, I should never be made the subject of fun when I get teary-eyed at the end of Field of Dreams.
I have looked high and low for this perfect female, but my search has been unsuccessful, and my days are fleeting. If you do exist, you are probably taken.
But if you”re still out there, sitting around waiting for your man of destiny to call to you in a column, this is your signal.
With that I”m out.
Dan Williams can be”reached” (wink) at email@example.com