Well, boys and girls, it’s that time again, Oscar time. Now if you’re like me, you watch to see who wins, but you also know that the movies you like are never nominated, and that’s because the categories they belong in aren’t Oscar worthy. That’s why after much consideration, and much ass kissing to my editor, I put together my own awards. And now, it is with great pleasure that I bring you the first annual Daily Mock Oscars.
- Jason Pesick
- <p>Star Wars: Attack of the Clones</p>
<p>Courtesy of Lucasfilm</p>
To kick off the ceremonies with a bang, we’ll start with the award for the Biggest Bad Ass. Unfortunately for the Fellowship, Aragorn and Legolas split their votes, and Steven Seagal, although putting in tremendous effort in “Half Past Dead,” is sadly just too fat and old. Instead, after shocking the Empire with his ability to wield a light saber, Yoda bitch slaps the Academy to take home this award. When questioned about any foul play that may have swayed the judges, the Master claimed, “Jedi mind tricks, I used not.”
The Biggest Chick Flick is an award presented to the movie most likely to repel any guy who wasn’t forced into the theater by a woman, not to be confused with “Shallow Hal’s” literal interpretation of the category. “A Walk to Remember” was definitely a movie to forget and “Tuck Everlasting” should have been called “Tuck Never-ending;” thus, by process of elimination, congratulations to “Sweet Home Alabama.”
We continue with the self-explanatory Best-Movie-starring-a-Rapper-that-Probably-Doesn’t-Have-any-Acting-Talent-but-Still-Made-a-Pretty-Damn-Good-Movie-Anyways Award. Very few can actually pull off the jump from music to the big screen, but unfortunately, that won’t stop Ja Rule and DMX from trying and trying. Ice Cube may have nabbed this award for the original “Friday,” but “Barbershop” just couldn’t stop Marshall Mathers from taking the trophy back to “8 Mile.”
Earlier in the evening, I presented the award for Worst Unintentional Remake. Just edging out the “XXX”-wannabe “Extreme Ops” was “High Crimes.” I liked it better the first time it came out as “Primal Fear.”
While I am on the topic of wannabes, the award for Movie-You-Would-Most-Want-to-be-a-Part-Of is a new, reader-nominated category. Now this was a tough category with many worthy nominees. First there’s “Die Another Day” with all of the gadgets and Halle Berry. Then there’s “Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones,” “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” and “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.” Not many people can say they wouldn’t want to be a Jedi, an elf or king or a wizard.
But the winner in this category is “Blue Crush.” Due to its “Coyote Ugly” standards of really, really, amazingly good-looking people in skimpy clothing, everyone wants to be invited to the party in those pants.
As a lead-in to the first of our two elite awards for the night, I continue with the lone uncontested category. “The Banger Sisters” almost nabbed the statue, but was disqualified last month for including Susan Sarandon’s daughter in a supporting role.
Congrats to “Igby Goes Down” for being the Movie with the Most Misleading Title. That brings me to easily the most enjoyable category to judge, the award for the Best Porn Title. With so many titles to review, this category was as difficult to pick a winner as it was enjoyable. Falling short of the other contenders “Lord of the Cockrings” didn’t have the spunk, nor did “Asian Street Hookers 29”.
In a close second, “Oral Adventures of Craven Morehead 13” has one of the most creative and intriguing original titles styled with the elite of the “Debbie Does Dallas” franchise. But managing to edge out the lesser nominees, the winner is “Lock, Cock, and 2 Smoking Bimbos,” a very worthy play on movie title and plotline.
We have now come to the most infamous award of the year. We’re covering the movies that leave you wondering how and why they could ever persuade anyone to waste their cash. In alphabetical order, the nominees are: “The Adventures of Pluto Nash,” “The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course,” “Extreme Ops,” “Ghost Ship,” “The Master of Disguise,” “The New Guy,” “Snowdogs,” “Stealing Harvard,” “Swimfan” and “The Tuxedo.”
Well, there you have it folks, the nominees for Worst Picture. There is no winner, we are all losers for ever having been exposed to such trash.
That concludes our first annual Daily Mock Oscars. Remember, just because the Academy doesn’t honor the movies you like, doesn’t mean they aren’t award worthy.