Jennifer Granholm, unrepentent sinner and governor of the most fucked state in the nation, announced her plan to save Michigan from perdition Wednesday night.

Sarah Royce

Fuel cell in hand, the unapologetic and prideful Papist announced “the Great Lakes state will be the alternative energy epicenter of America.” When we too lived in sin and inequity, this editorial page might have supported her idea. But having come to terms with His plan for us and our brothers in Christ, we now see the folly of her ways.

For Michigan, God commands neither a return to industrial supremacy nor indoctrination by the radical secularists of the public “education” system. Instead, His Infallible Majesty calls upon His flock of Wolverines to pursue lives of moral fortitude, spiritual purity and freedom from sins of the flesh.

In deference to His omniscience, we must abandon our gluttonous, materialistic ways. We must abandon these halls of ungodly education. We must abandon our infatuation with meaningless acronyms; GDP, GPA and BMW mean nothing when faced with the searing Righteousness of the One. (Three in One!) We must convert Michigan into a center of 21st Century Christianity, with Ann Arbor as its latter-day Jerusalem. With the Middle East in fiery tumult, God is looking for a safer place to call home.

Although the majority of Michiganders have strayed from the one true path, we have reason to hope the Shepherd will find his lost sheep. Two years ago, the Lord spoke to Michigan’s voters — and granted them the courage to stand up for God’s Holy Promise, and forever banned the unions of man and man or woman and woman.

Our next mission is to reach out those who haven’t yet found God’s plan, and who actively reject his Grace. Those who cannot accept His Divine Laws must be expelled from this future Heaven on Earth. We must herd these wayward sheep into trucks . and banish them to Ohio.

We must also do away with the foolishness that is “secular” public policy. What arrogance, to suppose men – mortal men! – could enact better laws than those our Lord carved onto Charlton Heston’s stone tablets. We call for the absolute prohibition of premarital relations, contraceptives and any corporal sins that waste the seed of Adam’s sons.

To understand the preposterous nature of unrevealed law, we need only look at “Governor” Granholm’s latest blasphemy. If God had wanted us to have alternative energy, He would have sent it downstream through our rivers, radiated it out from the sun or blown it through the very air we breathe. The impending Rapture leaves the Lord’s followers with little need to concern themselves with dwindling fossil fuel reserves. On Judgement Day, while California sinks under the weight of its solar panels and Amsterdam gets blown away by its windmills, we shall be granted all the Lord has promised us. As God drenches Las Vegas and its circus of vice with fire and brimstone, we in Michigan will bask in the merciful glow of an appeased Lord’s grace. For we are Michigan, united in Christ … and tax cuts.

So grab a Bible and sing a hymn. Join us as we turn Michigan into a glimmering oasis of Jesus, life and family – surrounded by the godforsaken desert of infanticide, sodomy and Facebooking. Amen.

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