Back when J. Edgar Hoover, that infallible defender of our constitutional rights, was playing dictator and spying on Americans as head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Daily’s editorial page handed out the Edgar Awards annually to individuals and institutions best embodying his many admirable characteristics. Of necessity, we revived the tradition.
And so, we present the ninth annual Edgar Awards:
The “Call Me Maybe” Edgar goes to former Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum. Now that he’s done denouncing higher education, evolution, women in the workplace and contraception, Santorum should have plenty of time on his hands. Here’s our number — call us maybe? (Disclaimer: No contraception allowed. It’s more fun and holy that way.)
The Justin Bieber OMG Fan-Girl Edgar is awarded to the students who waited for tickets to Obama’s speech. Hundreds braved a chilly and totally sober sleepover outside of the Michigan Union and then again outside of Al Glick Field House to see their favorite pop star — erm — president.
That Third Thing Rick Perry Would Cut from the Federal Government Edgar for forgotten ideas goes to women’s rights. Roe v. Wade-protected rights? Planned Parenthood’s health care for low-income women? Who needs ‘em?
The North Campus Cougar Edgar goes to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Elusive, strong and beautiful. Who run the world? Cougars! Who hopefully isn’t going to war with Iran? Cougars!
The Pee-Wee Herman Edgar for public masturbation goes to KONY 2012 creator Jason Russell. Though initial support for his group’s video calling for action against Joseph Kony, leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army made it go viral, the backlash against it was even greater. It turns out the entire Internet ganging up on you can have an effect on your mental health! Either that, or large quantities of alcohol…
The Reply-All Edgarfor worst use of an e-mail option goes to every student who clicked “reply all”. Please take us off this list. We’re trying to study. It’s, like, really rude.
The KONY 2012 Edgar for armchair activism goes to the Internet masses who stopped the anti-piracy bills PIPA and SOPA with the click of a mouse! The Patriot Act: “Yawn.” Citizens United: “What’s that?” PIPA and SOPA: “You’re telling me I can’t watch Modern Family on MegaVideo? I’ve had it with the Man bringing me down!”
The Hunger Games Edgar for a depressing, drawn-out, vicious battle to the death goes to the Republican presidential primary. With a full cast of outlandish characters, fantastic costumes — read: sweater vests — and a skewed set of ideals, the odds were ever in no one’s favor. And Mitt Romney definitely is more Career than Katniss…
The Friday Night Necto Edgar for best drug and alcohol fueled rave goes to the night game against Notre Dame University. Few may remember it after beginning to pregame at 8 a.m., but the night game was a Big House highlight.
The Temple Run Edgar for biggest waste of time, energy and a few bucks goes to the Central Student Government elections. This year’s MSA, we mean, CSG elections were the most competitive in recent memory. Six parties vowed to fundamentally change CSG for the better, resulting in a Sorkin-esque end drama. That is, if Aaron Sorkin penned a show about student government elections that no one besides those involved cared about.
The Sandra Fluke Edgar for biggest slut goes to lead GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Romney will say anything to please anyone. Just ask his campaign adviser, who likened his policy to an Etch A Sketch — easily erasable. “I’ll put you in a cage on the roof of my car … If you’re into that.”
The Tornado Edgar for unnecessarily causing the entire campus to simultaneously freak out and get drunk goes to freshman guard Trey Burke. His and the Michigan basketball team’s will they/won’t they was totally redolent of Ross and Rachel.
The Trans-vaginal Ultrasound Edgar for unnecessary regulation goes to the keg registration law. Lawmakers now require kegs to be registered to one individual, handing them all liability. No worries — we’ll drink liquor.
The Finally Edgar goes to the Michigan football team. A winning season and an end to a seven-year defeat record against Ohio State? Go Blue, indeed.