Back when J. Edgar Hoover, that infallible defender of our constitutional rights, was playing dictator and spying on Americans as head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Daily’s editorial page handed out Edgar awards annually to individuals and institutions best embodying his many admirable characteristics. Editors revived the tradition in recent years.

Sarah Royce

We considered renaming these awards the Cheneys this year, considering that Hoover is moldering in his grave while Vice President Dick Cheney is still alive and shooting people. But with Harry Whittington’s face still healing and a war with Iran more or less on the horizon, it seemed too soon.

The John Edwards Edgar for the bottom of the ticket outshining the top goes to Student Conservative Party vice presidential candidate Tommi Turner. We might not have liked her ideas, but at least she never mentioned the Wolverine Fart Club.

The “collateral damage” Edgar for best euphemism goes to Athletic Director Bill Martin.

Building luxury boxes in Michigan Stadium would go against everything the University stands for. But “enclosed seating” sounds harmless enough, right?

The Ward Connerly Edgar for dubious progress toward racial equality goes to the state of Nebraska for a bill to resegregate Omaha’s public schools. Wait, wait, it’s OK though, because a black state senator sponsored the bill – along with 30 white conservatives.

The John Bolton Edgar for least effective ambassador goes to former Students 4 Michigan communications director Peter Borock. Perhaps no one ever told him the old adage about how you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

The 4ever Edgar 4 annoying online abbreviations goes 2 S4M, 4 their continued fondness 4 a moronic moniker. WTF! Apparently, they don’t know how 2 spell – or govern. LOL!

The Kwame Kilpatrick Edgar for fiscal responsibility goes to the Michigan Student Assembly. Twenty thousand dollars might not be enough to lease an SUV for your wife, but it can bring Ludacris to campus to spark a dialogue about diversity.

The joint Jason Z. Pesick/Donn M. Fresard Edgar for pretentious use of an initial goes to Vice President for Student Affairs E. Royster Harper. With three Edgars now under her belt, she’ll be tough to beat.

The J. Edgar Hoover Edgar for ignoring the Fourth Amendment goes to the Bush Administration for directing the NSA to spy on Americans without warrants. Don’t worry, though – the feds won’t listen to your calls unless you’re in al Qaida. Or the Democratic Party.

The Nick Kristof “Why doesn’t anybody care?” Edgar goes to the Coke Coalition for taking up a noble but ignored fight. Maybe Coke’s bottlers in Sudan are behind the Darfur genocide? But no Pulitzer for the Coke kids.

The Artist-formerly-known-as-Prince Edgar for an incomplete name change goes to Michigamua. See, they’re not racist anymore – just elitist.

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