Last year, the Daily’s editorial board chose to restart a tradition of years’ past. Back when J. Edgar Hoover ran the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Daily annually offered up “Edgars” to honor and recognize the year’s biggest newsmakers. To keep the reinvigorated tradition going, we bring you Edgars 2004-2005.

Angela Cesere
Angela Cesere

-The Terri Schiavo Edgar for almost making it goes to Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry. Congress couldn’t save him either.

 

-The “Need some wood?” Edgar goes to President Bush. The nation’s favorite timber company owner is more than willing to give you some wood. Don’t count on a job, though.

 

-The Jason Kidd Edgar goes to Michigan basketball’s very own Daniel Horton. Wayne Brady could not be reached for comment.

 

-The Rubik’s Cube Edgar goes to CSJ/MSA/PIRGIM for the incredibly complex and unsolvable disaster that is PIRGIM. See you in the fall, Mr. Hollerbach.

 

-The Michael Jackson Edgar for most extensive cosmetic surgery plans goes to the Big House. Jacko’s still spent more, but we’re getting close.

 

-The Fool Me Once Shame on You, Fool Me Twice Shame on Me Edgar goes to the Michigan football team for its second consecutive Rose Bowl loss. But Texas still doesn’t belong in the Granddaddy of them All.

 

-The Monty Python “It’s just a flesh wound” Edgar for relentless optimism goes to the Bush administration. Iraq is a success story!

 

-The Billy Joel Safe Driving Edgar goes to Michael Phelps. He’s got more points on his record than gold medals, but then again, don’t we all.

 

-The PeeWee Herman Edgar for self-expression goes to Larry Harrison. Too easy.

 

-The joint Jason Z. Pesick-Donn M. Fresard extraneous initial Edgar goes to E. Royster Harper. This is Harper’s second win in this category. It’s still pretentious, Eunice.

 

-The Tom DeLay Governmental Ethics Edgar goes to Kwame Kilpatrick. Can you drive a Lincoln Navigator to Russia?

 

-The Kwame Kilpatrick Governmental Ethics Edgar goes to Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Texas). Don’t family members make great employees?

 

-The Bull Moose Edgar goes to Maize Rage, the valiant would-have-been third party that submitted to its electoral fate the way Ralph Nader should.

 

-The Saudi Royalty Edgar for overindulgence goes to the Business School, in recognition of its latest $100 million dollar-sized drop in the bucket.

 

-The Martha Cook in loco parentis Edgar goes to Dean of Students Sue Eklund for warning students of the dangers posed by gay porn and the Facebook. After reading the e-mail Eklund sent to the student body earlier this month, many students felt they were attending Hillsdale College.

 

-The Dick Butkus Edgar for poor name choices goes to the Michigan Cool Cities Initiative. It’s a good plan, with a seventh-grade name.

 

-The Jennifer Granholm Duplicity Edgar goes to the University. Saying one thing and doing another is nice and all, but it’s time to live up to that LEO contract.

 

-The NHL Player Association Edgar for labor obstinacy goes to GEO. Professional hockey players don’t even get subsidized childcare.

 

-The Alberto Gonzales Edgar for writing dubious legal opinions goes to Mike Cox. When legal documents get in your way, just ignore them.

 

-The Frieze Building Edgar for outliving one’s usefulness goes to John Paul II. The white smoke yesterday meant it’s okay to make fun of the dead pope now, right?

 

-The Greek System Edgar for bad press goes to the United States for the Abu Ghraib scandal. Rush Limbaugh explained it best — it was just a fraternity prank.

 

-The Atari Edgar for obsolescence goes to Michigan’s manufacturing economy. We could build the skilled workforce needed for high-tech fields by funding higher education — nah, nevermind.

 

-The Phillip-Morris/Altria useless name change Edgar goes to the Students First, err, Students 4 Michigan party. Flashy new name, same mediocre product.

 

-The Lucifer Edgar for secular humanism goes to the state of Massachusetts. You know who else wants homosexual “marriage?” Satan. (Editor’s note: It’s satire, okay?)

 

-The Uncle Moneybags Edgar for a Monopoly-money budget goes to Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. Propose to fix your budget deficit by taxing fast food? — I’m lovin’ it.

 

-The P. Diddy “Vote or Die” Edgar for apathy goes to the student body. MSA holds elections?

 

-The O.C. Edgar for cluelessness and superficiality goes to University Princess Beth Montgomery. Sorry, your highness.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *