Dagobah: Low on adventure, high on excitement

Somewhere in my travels at point-five past light speed, a few days after completing another Kessel Run (in less than five parsecs of course) I stumbled upon a galactic hideaway. Sure people are gonna think Tatooine”s two suns making it perfect for baking on the sands, as long as you can avoid that Sarlaac monster. And yeah, Hoth”s skiing is second to none, and no one can beat the commercial hub that is Coruscant. But all of these are obvious, you are gonna run into all kinds of Rodians, Calamarians and Imperials at all these locations, I mean who wants to deal with Greedo”s angry brother? I sure as hell don”t. I mean ever since I defeated Palpatine and saved my father on Endor, the Imperials have gotten so damn pesky, it”s like every time I turn around I have some white helmeted turdburglar in my face. Alas, I digress. This haven of spring break is inhabited by just one tiny little alien, and it is Dagobah. This blue dead guy, well he is alive in the Force, but yeah, he is dead, told me about it.

When picking an ideal spring break location for my girl and I, a few things must be considered.

n Privacy: Darling, we need our time just the two of us (you and I), we need to be isolated. If we”re going on a getaway vacation together, I think it needs to be just us, and maybe a three-foot-tall alien with big-ass ears. I need this break so bad being a Jedi is rough stuff, I mean people always asking to see my lightsaber (author”s note: showing off your lightsaber may be illegal in certain galactic parameters, be cautious). Girl, I want someplace private, where I don”t have to worry about my lightsaber just being out all the time, and it makes it easier for you if you want to turn it on, just to push a button anyways.

n Climate: Or “Climb-It,” for you ladykilling Jedi. A warm locale is critical. If we are going to be alone together constantly, baby, those clothes can be a bit of a pain in the butt. The less we have to wear the easier it is anyways, to practice the Jedi arts of course. I mean that speed running, and high jumping stuff is a bitch in those canvas tan pants you are always wearing. So enjoy the heat and lose them.

n Fine dining: Food and lodging. Listen babe, my salary as a galactic protector isn”t very high, but we can still splurge and stay in a comfortable, rustic hut, and have a great host. I mean, Master Yoda makes some seriously killer soups in that cookpot.

n Sightseeing: Every Jedi needs to get out of the bedroom on a romantic getaway, because guys, let”s face it, we can”t have that lightsaber on all the time. Even the most powerful human Jedi in the galaxy has a refractory period. Dagobah has an eclectic wildlife population, and if your girl can take a few snakes, (which is a rare quality in intergalactic women these days) a nice walk through the forest is always nice. The steamy forest and moist air will remind your lady friend constantly of what its like to be the lover of a Jedi. “Girl, the air is so thick here, I can hardly breathe, I need your oxygen.” Try it. I promise you. I”m a Jedi, like I don”t know these things.

n Sightseeing (Appendix): When spelunking in the dim caves of Dagobah, be sure to watch out for your father creeping through the darkness trying to kill you. You could never save Leia who you are latently attracted too, despite the fact that she is your sister if you died.

n Lodging: On my romantic spring break getaway I don”t really plan on leaving the room too much, so a lavish room is vital. Cushioned sleeping mats are excellent, and when that air cools in the early eve”, and she rolls into your arms, completely spent from a long day of “training.” Priceless. Except what the hell do I do with that arm while I am spooning her? I mean I could just throw it over my head, but my arm comes out of socket sometimes.

My X-Wing is built for two. R2. And, yeah this little droid and I have been through a lot, I wouldn”t trade it for the world. Girl, I wouldn”t trade you for any world either.