THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE WAS
PUBLISHED AS PART OF A PARODY ISSUE, AND IS NOT BASED ON FACT

MSA president exposes self

MSA President Matt Nolan has been cited in a Department of Public Safety report as having “exposed his genitalia” in the stacks of the Harlan Hatcher Graduate Library. The woman who reported the incident told DPS that she was initially shocked and revolted at being subject to such an “unsightly organ,” but added that the disgust soon turned to pity once she realized how little there was to see. Nolan is currently

Unwanted man masturbates in Markley room

A University freshman, unattractive and lacking interpersonal skills, spent another Saturday night alone in his Mary Markley Residence Hall room, furiously masturbating to the girls on the PersianKitty.com website while his roommate was out with his girlfriend. A report was not filed.

Review editor steals Chinese food from buffet

DPS followed up on a request from the Ann Arbor Police Department to University alum Matthew S. Schwartz. Schwartz is being pursued by AAPD because of complaints from the Hunan Express All-U-Can Eat Buffet for stealing three pounds of Sweet and Sour Pork and Mongolian Beef. In his scheme, Schwartz would enter the restaurant and heave spoonfuls of food into Tupperware containers. After DPS officers checked the Bursley and West Quad dining halls for Schwartz , it was learned that he is now in Sandusky, Ohio, living in exile as a struggling writer.

DPS assists INS in deportation of LSA dean

DPS reports indicate that officers assisted Immigration and Naturalization Service personnel in the removal of LSA Dean Shirley Neuman from the United States. As part of the recently-broadened scope of the “War on Terror,” government officials raided her office and drover her to Windsor where she was left on the Ambassador Bridge. President George W. Bush said that the removal of Neuman, a Canadian, is part of his campaign to “smoke-out” traitors in the American university system. RC students were seen rejoicing on East University Avenue after the news broke last night.

Meizlish-gets-ass.com

Louis Meizlish got laid (by Maria Sprow).

If that”s not a crime, we don”t know what is.

“U” alum harasses local singer

University alum Rob Maskin was cited Tuesday evening for shouting obscenities at Jerry Sprague, the singer who performs the same, played-out songs at Mitch”s on South University Avenue every Tuesday. Maskin, described as extremely intoxicated and picking at his face, was heard shouting, “Fuck you, Jerry. Learn some new fucking songs.” Police believe Maskin is behind other campus crimes, including throwing a brick at a Mazda Miata and is an al-Qaida operative.

Daily Calendar stolen, no lame events, no one cares

The Calendar, a daily feature that normally appears in this very spot, was reported stolen last night, according to DPS reports. It was discovered missing when Calendar editor Lisa Koivu attempted to add another lame event that no one in their right mind would ever even consider going to.

“Garbage Dick” is sued over his “garbagey dick”

Garbage Dick sues The Bitch over malicious defamation of character. DPS reported that Garbage Dick was “dumb enough” to give The Bitch his e-mail password, but they agree nonetheless that Garbage Dick”s poking of the 5″3″ bitch with the big tits in the heart did not warrant such an attack. Garbage Dick said that he would “get his brother, who got me a job in Duane Morris and Urlstien (at least i think that is the name)” to pay for the legal services involved in suing The Bitch”s “poor ass.” Get some!

Compiled by Daily Crime Notes Correspondent David Enders, who is currently undergoing penile implant surgery. You can wish him your best at (734) 358-4871.

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