“Jesus ass!” said Jesus as he listened to ber-Christian suck-core”s greatest living ode to His Holiness, the pseudo-Christian Stapp-masturbation known as Creed”s latest single “My Sacrifice.” “Really,” said Jesus, “these guys are awful. I mean, Pink has better lyrics and a child could accidentally write this music. I would rather hang out with Judas than listen to “”With Arms Wide Open,”” our Lord and Savior told the Daily last week.
While Jesus himself has spent a great deal of time attempting to save humanity from sin, He feels that Creed, as a band, is more derivative than Aerosmith singing “Come Together.”
“Seriously,” said the Prince of Peace, “these guys suck donkey dick. Creed may call themselves a band, but they are closer to an open boil as far as I”m concerned.”
While Creed did sell more CDs than everyone save Shaggy, Jesus met up with them simply to tell them to shut their arrogant pie-holes. “While they claim that the rest of the music world is catching up to them,” the Christ prognosticated, “I think that they sound like a dog being castrated. Honestly, I think they should go fuck themselves. Stapp is worse than the Pharisees or that stupid Sharon Stone movie with the ice pick.”
When asked to comment on Christ and his feelings toward the band, Creed lead singer Scott Stapp expressed dismay. “I figured that Jesus would be cooler, and would fully understand how profound our music really is. He must be a fucking asshole.”
“I hung out with the band for a while,” Jesus said with a laugh, “and they were real tools. I remember my days with the apostles, some super-chill guys, and they used to come up with better songs, completely drunk, then these lame-brains come up with while completely sober and thinking about me and My Father.”
While Creed has sold over 800 million CDs in their first week, critics were divided over the actual music itself.
“Seriously,” said Jesus, “It”s worse than genital warts. I think that their CD is more evil than anything that anyone has ever done in my name, or even some of those boy bands.”
Stapp still thinks that Jesus has missed the boat. “He clearly doesn”t understand our exaltation of him, and he is basically like all of those other haters that don”t understand the positive message inherent in our music.”
“That”s fucking weak, dude,” Jesus said when confronted with Stapp”s remarks. “That guy doesn”t get me at all.”