As winter blows nearer, people tend to couple up. Clubs actually stay within their legal capacities and fewer drunks roam the streets. Our friends mysteriously stay in on the weekends, declaring that “it’s just too cold to go out.” Often they are caught with newfound cuddle-buddies. This phenomenon, I believe, is due to the painfully frigid temperatures and the festivities of winter holidays, both of which are easier to endure with an extra someone. Therefore, if you catch yourself waking up next to different potentials each morning, now is the time to select that one person to consistently keep you warm – and inside the house – for the new semester.

Jess Cox

The first step to coupling up is seduction. After you have chosen the prospect who offers the best sex, body, personality and sense of humor, you have got to put it on him or her. Regardless of whether you have already slept together, you must plan for one satisfactory night (or day) of alone time. This requires a little preparation.

First, propose a date in which you promise an expert massage and a gourmet meal. Hopefully you won’t make it to the meal, so don’t put too much effort into the food. When Mr. Lucky arrives, have some Usher in the mix; think “Seduction” or “Dot Com.” Slowly take off all his superfluous garments and begin a slippery massage complete with kissing, licking, nibbling and sucking (on fingers of course!). Also, don’t forget the ears, neck, back and chest areas; toying with the bellybutton is an excellent precursor to hitting the money spot. Once you have made your prey completely relaxed, it is time to go in for the kill.

The key to leaving him or her astonished and satisfied is to know (I mean really know) what you are doing. Research or ask around for some exciting new positions, and don’t get too hung up on just one. Keep the lovin’ reasonably rough, and remember to stay in control; authority can be established by firmly commanding what to do next and by explicitly instructing how to do it. This is your chance to let the inner dominatrix peek out. But don’t be too intimidating – leave the leather, whips and chains in the closet. Instead, keep Mr. Lucky encouraged (and unalarmed) by precisely relating your bodily sensation and frequently inquiring about his.

Once both of your pinnacle moans have occurred – hopefully at the same time – take a short, energizing nap; you both should need it. Provide a small snack when he wakes up, and the first step to coupledom is complete! However, after you have given Mr. Lucky the best nookie in his recent memory, it is now your obligation to keep him from going to anyone else for it. If he is a good boy, he should already be yours for the taking. But, if he is a true playboy, it can be quite tricky. Here is where my friend’s trusty philosophy, the Golden Dick Theory, comes into play.

The playboy is usually the man with multiple women vying for his attention and his golden member. If this sounds anything like Mr. Lucky, there is one way to make him change his promiscuous ways. After you put it on him in the seduction stage, you have to stop calling him and avoid all his phone calls. You must be that one in a million who breaks it off with him. Such a smack to his ego will leave him bewildered, and he will pursue you relentlessly out of mere confusion. Though this may sound like a paradox, the Golden Dick Theory always works like magic. After he comes crawling back, begging for your attention, simply give that ultimatum: the groupies or you – no exceptions. Help him recall the wondrous memories of the seduction phase, and this one should be in the bag (or in the bed).

Though you may feel like you have just won a three-hour game of Monopoly against a competitive MBA student, you must bear in mind that the situation is no longer just a game. When you have that special number one in your life, you have to keep things fresh in the romance department to make it last. Stock up on toys, or even spare the expense by using household objects such as cameras, ties, scarves, showers and washing machines. Get creative and bring a chunk of ice from outside into the bedroom. Maybe it’s finally that time to be frisky and risky in the Grad when no one is looking. Once you have taken the initiative to capture your target, always remember to talk dirty, stay innovative and to think of new settings. If you continue to make your own rules in the bedroom, Mr. Lucky could end up being much more to you than just Mr. Second Semester.

 

Look for Brooke around campus. She’ll be the one wearing the mistletoe hat. She can be reached at basnyder@umich.edu.

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