In the interest of clarity, the following open letter to George W. Bush will be rendered in the vernacular that he is most familiar with. Because after all, clarity, more than anything, is clearly how we all want to portray ourselves.

Paul Wong
John Honkala

Dear fellow American and baseball club owner,

We’ve got to talk about this War thing here. In fact, let’s talk about reasoning because I’m still confused about why we’re going to war. Is it because of Saddam’s nucular weapons of mass destruction? Or is it because he’s despotical? Or because he killed his very own kin? Your logic has been as useless as tits on a boar and you’ve used facts as facts that are not factual, which should tell you something about you. So here are some of my reasons why not to go to war, and I hope they resignate with you.

I’m concerned about pre-emptiveness. Look, I’m sure you’ve whipped the tar outta some guy before for looking Laura in the eye or for hogging the cocaine. Probably whipped him good, too. But, see, the guy had it coming, right? He dared attack the freedom of a spoiled, drunken Eli. But you don’t go around kicking the she-bang out of random enemies, even if they are evil, evil doers. I mean, you’re from Texas, where it’s honorific to fight gentlemanly. So why the peacockery?

Besides, you probably had your buddies there to back you up. Someone to step in with a haymaker when things got turned around or to bear witness to the fact that you were made a disparagement unjustifiably. Somehow I doubt your bar motto was: If you don’t stand with Dubya, then stand out of the way. So don’t forget, George, that the United Nations is our friend too, just like Tony Blair. If we should remember anything about past history, it is that a friend indeed is a friend of need. And we need our friends.

Plus, think about all these foreigners who hate our freedom. A great man I used to know used to tell me: Don’t cross a man who’s apt to be crossed. Well here, in this picture I’m drawin’ for you, the man is the Arab world, see? And the cross – or what’s causing the crossness – is the war. All these freedom haters are gonna be pretty cross if we start dancing with Iraq. And we’ve got several thousand points of bright, freedom-loving light spread out across the globe in various embassaries and missionaries who would make perfect sitting bull … duck … targets for their hatred. It’s kinda like killing the goose that

Cooked … wait, no … the wolf that cried sheep … the boy that … it just … goes against everything we grew up with … you know, all the logic we stand for.

And that coward Saddam is no dummy either. He knows we’ve got our itchy finger on a hair trigger and we’re ready to shoot. We’ve got him on the edge of the edge of his end of his rope, so he won’t be going anywhere. But once we’ve attacked him, Saddam’s not gonna sit around like a bump on a log. If he’s got weapons of mass destruction he’ll detonate ’em faster than you can say Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

I’m afraid also that your war isn’t minded toward … aimed with the Iraqi people in mind. When you demand regime change, doesn’t that mean that we’re replacing a despot with a democratic ruler for the benefit of the long-suffering Iraqi populace? I haven’t seen or heard nor listened to you explain to the Iraqi people why you will be declaring war on them. That leads me to jump to the conclusion that your sincerity is called into questionable. You see, George, you can’t take the high horse and the low road and expect to find the middle ground.

Then there’s this thing with that North Korean guy Kim Jong or Jung or Jin. (No one briefed me.) He’s just informed us that his country has been developing nucular weapons of mass destruction, which poses a peculiar similarity with Iraq. If it’s weapons we’re after then it looks like we should be heading to Communist Asia sometime next spring. You must also realize that there will be deaths and casualties and spilt blood, just like in the sands of Iwa Jima. Young men and women, many of them from the great country called America, will perish from death. Where is your campassionism? You once said: “The American people wants a president that appeals to the angels?” Amen, sweet George. Be that angel embessary. To be conclusionatory, George, I’m not for the war. Because if I’m right – and being right is my normalcy – then there’s two things in this world: Right and wrong. And this one -the War – is wrong. Please take this in your regards.

God bless you and God bless freedom,

Johnny

John Honkala can be reached at jhonkala@umich.edu.

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