I was watching the Michigan basketball team lose Saturday and couldn”t help but think of my long-lost friend Brian Ellerbe and what he could be up to these days. Typically keeping your name in the spotlight isn”t too difficult after you”ve been the head coach of the Michigan basketball team.
Of course, typically if you”re the head coach of the Michigan basketball team, qualifying for the NIT isn”t too difficult either.
Well, we all know that neither of these is the case, so the question still remains, what”s he doing?
A few possibilities:
Moved back home: The economy”s bad and the job market”s worse. The good news: He can have a kegger every weekend when mom and dad go out of town. The bad news: Mom and dad nag him to get a job during the week.
Sitting at home watching TV, waiting for a job offer: This possibility is my guess for the reality of this situation. Brian”s sitting on his coach wearing mesh Rutgers lacrosse shorts, with the kid crying in the background while he”s sipping Faygo Rock “n” Rye muttering to himself about how great Tom Goss was.
Of course, under this particular scenario, he”s poker buddies with Gary Moeller and John Cooper. This motley trio searches for a fourth
Auditioning for a role as The Penguin in “Batman”: I covered Brian and the basketball team last year and every time I interviewed him, I couldn”t help but think he”d make a great Penguin, if the movie was ever redone for a seventh time. His qualifications include: Rotund build, suspenders, a waddle more than a walk and a knack for aggravating Batman, Catwoman and Maize Ragers everywhere. All he really would need under this scenario is a cigarette holder, pincher hooves instead of hands and umbrellas that shoot people, become knives and can hypnotize onlookers.
Campus meter maid: You can imagine what the job interview would be like.
Boss: “I don”t know Brian, while you have an impressive resume, being a meter maid can be pretty taxing you”re hated by everyone.”
Brian: “Hated by everyone? Nobody was more hated on this campus than me.”
Boss: “You got a point there. You”re hired.”
Like meter maids, lonely Brian walks the streets of Ann Arbor with few friends.
(By the way, meter maids, I don”t really hate you. Please don”t give me another parking ticket.)
Run for MSA President: Of all the worthless jobs in this country, few are more impotent than this one. With Matt Nolan”s term coming to a close, Brian makes a big sign and takes advantage of this opportunity for employment.
Wallowing in his own self-pity: Brian grows a beard, takes a job as a professor at Columbia, and then becomes the Vice Chairman of Metropolitan West Financial.
Under this scenario, Brian, Moeller and Cooper find their fourth poker buddy.
Leader of Michigan State”s student section, known as the “Izzone:” Hey, he”d be a natural he”s already hated by Michigan, loved by Michigan State and he has a presence in Crisler.
To offer Brian a job, contact his new agent, Raphael Goodstein, at firstname.lastname@example.org.