Meeting Minutes of the Michigan Student Assembly for Feb 10, 2009:

I. Call to Order.
7:42 p.m.

II. Roll Call.
8:16 p.m. (Four members absent; one chair missing).

III. Approval of Agenda.
9:34 p.m.

PRESIDENT: I move that we draft an agenda and then, after doing so, approve it.

VICE PRESIDENT: Objection. I motion we use the agenda we previously drafted (motions to piece of paper on floor).

PRESIDENT: Oh, there it is. (Bends down) Does everyone approve it? All right, let’s move on.

IV. Approval of Previous Minutes

RECORDER: Last week’s meeting lasted 8 hours and 23 minutes.

PRESIDENT: Everyone cool with that? Okay. Hey – two for two!

V. Guest Speaker

DARRYL* (Guest Speaker): Let me start by thanking all of you at MSA for your interest in what I have to say tonight. I’ll get right to the point: last Monday, as most of you know, was Groundhog Day.

PRESIDENT: Um, what?

DARRYL: It was last Monday.

PRESIDENT: Harold, did he say Groundhog Day?

VICE PRESIDENT: Let me check. Elaine, can you confirm that?

RECORDER: Yes he did. It occurred last Monday.

PRESIDENT: I see. Harold, why is this on the agenda?

VICE PRESIDENT: Darryl was the only guest speaker applicant this week.

PRESIDENT: Ah. Well, did he see his shadow?


DARRYL: Er – well, if I could continue with my proposal. As I was saying, last Monday was Groundhog Day, but it didn’t really feel like it on campus. I mean, there were no posters, no one handing out flyers, no celebrations, no nothing. Now I come from Pennsylvania and –

PRESIDENT: Ugh, cheesesteaks.

DARRYL: Excuse me?

VICE PRESIDENT: Hi, Darryl. So how is this relevant to other students? Why should we care about this?

DARRYL: Well, I was getting to that. Plenty of students have celebrated Groundhog Day all their lives. It’s a memorable and fun experience which traces back to the 18th century, possibly even before that. So why should the custom receive such little publicity at the University?

WANDA (Provost): Okay, but what do you propose to do? And what does “provost” mean?

PRESIDENT: I believe when you “provost” a person, you essentially anger them. So it’s an adjective.

DARRYL: I’m glad you brought that up. I was thinking the University could hold a Groundhog Day celebration every Feb. 2, perhaps on the Diag. Mary Sue Coleman would bring the groundhog out of a cage and see if he goes back in or not, and there would be fundraising and games and all sorts of things.

RICK (Alum/football fan, Audience member): There won’t be any GROUNDHOG on a WOLVERINE campus! Go Blue!!

PRESIDENT: Hey! You over there! When I say, “Go,” you say –

DARRYL: Come on, cut it out! I’m serious.

JACKSON (Security Advisor): Look, son, I sympathize with you, I really do. But we’re not going to allow a groundhog anywhere NEAR Mary Sue. It’s just not safe. Not to mention, how can you talk about “diversity” when you’re holding an oversized rodent?

PRESIDENT: Can’t argue with that. Say, shouldn’t this stuff fall under a new Roman numeral? Elaine?


VI. Concerns

GERTRUDE (PETA Activist/Vegetable violator): Has anyone considered the trauma inflicted on these poor creatures? They’re taken from their homes and forced to be part of a sick ritual they cannot understand. And for what? This is Michigan. There’s always six more weeks of winter.

VICE PRESIDENT: I’m going to have to disagree with most of the concerns expressed thus far. As many of you know, the groundhog is related to the squirrel in terms of evolutionary history. Now, as a proud member of the Squirrel Club, I think it would be an excellent idea if we showcased –

PRESIDENT: You’re a member of the Squirrel Club?

VICE PRESIDENT: Um, yeah. Anyway, I think –

PRESIDENT: I motion the Vice President resigns.


DARRYL: Stop it! All of you! What are you going to do about my idea?

PRESIDENT: Chill, Punxsutawney Phil! Clearly myself and Bushy Tail over here –

VICE PRESIDENT: You say one more word –

PRESIDENT: And you’ll nibble me? As I was saying, there seem to be ideological differences between the Vice President and myself and they should be resolved before we continue.

VICE PRESIDENT: Why don’t we form two different parties?

DARRYL: If things will start to change around here, I’m all for it.

PRESIDENT: Sounds fine to me. Everyone approve? Hey, great! But what should the other party be called? Well, we’ll get to it later. Anyway. Ho-hum . . . Hey, why don’t we just show a film that promotes Groundhog Day? That way, everyone’s happy, right?

VICE PRESIDENT: Oh, how about Groundhog Day, the one with Bill Murray! Darryl, is that okay?

DARRYL: I’m leaving.

PRESIDENT: Well, I guess that’s that. Time?

RECORDER: The time is 3:30 a.m.

PRESIDENT: All right! Faster than last week.

VII. Adjourn

*All names have been changed for privacy.

Will Grundler can be reached at

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