The Michigan Daily: Hi, is Rachel there?
Random: This is Rachel.
TMD: Hi, I’m calling from The Michigan Daily to interview a random student, and you were chosen.
TMD: Can I ask you a few questions?
R: Okay. Wait, is my name going to be printed?
TMD: Maybe your first name.
R: Okay, I give you permission.
TMD: What year are you at school?
R: I’m a freshman.
TMD: Who’s the better video game character: Sonic or Mario?
R: Mmmmm … Mario.
TMD: Who is Colin Powell?
R: (Pause … silence … asks roommate: Who is Colin Powell?) He’s the guy in the government.
TMD: What does he do in the government?
R: Can I think for a second? I feel like he does something medically. I don’t know.
TMD: Colin Powell is the secretary of state.
R: My roommate thinks he’s dead. Are you laughing at me?
TMD: What is the name of the vice president?
R: Oh my God! I am retarded! (Asks roommate) My face is so red right now … LIEBERMAN!
TMD: What’s your favorite movie?
R: Ummm … “Mr. Deeds.”
TMD: Who is the hotter actress: Kirsten Dunst or Shannon Elizabeth?
R: Ooooh. I don’t know. Kirsten Dunst. I don’t really think about why girls are hot.
TMD: How long will the Affleck-Lopez marriage last, assuming that it does start?
R: No more than a year.
TMD: What’s the craziest thing you’ve done so far in college?
R: (Pause) Got drunk and danced all night like a slut.
R: I can’t tell you; it’s a secret place.
TMD: Were you fully clothed?
TMD: Which is your favorite law of thermodynamics?
R: The first one.
R: No, actually the second one because my favorite number is number two.
TMD: Who’s the best president of your lifetime?
R: I would have to go with Clinton because he provided me with the most scandals.
TMD: Are you currently seeing anyone?
R: Kind of … two people.
TMD: Ok, we’re going to play the random word association game now. Do you know how to play?
TMD: I’m going to say a word, and then you’re going to say the first word that comes to your head. The first is hamburger.
TMD: The Michigan Daily.
R: No comment.
TMD: The next word is Doug.
R: That’s one of the guys I’m talking to … pilot.
TMD: Banana Republic.
TMD: George W. Bush.
R: One cool guy.
TMD: That’s more than one word.
R: Sorry – president.
TMD: That’s enough of that game. Who do you prefer, Aristotle or Plato?
R: I’ve never really read philosophy before, but I liked to play with Playdough when I was little even though I know they’re not spelled the same.
TMD: Would you rather watch C-SPAN 2 for an hour or be beaten senselessly with a pitchfork?
R: Beaten senseless. What is C-SPAN 2?
TMD: It provides live coverage of the U.S. Senate. Would you rather go on a date with a fairly tall, 132-pound, goofy Catholic kid or a blonde, white – very white, awkward Jewish boy who wears glasses?
R: I’ll take the former of the two.
TMD: Would you like his number?
TMD: Wait, are you serious?
R: Haha! No!
TMD: Ok, that’s all. It was nice talking to you, and thank you very much for your cooperation.
(After wallowing in his rejection, our interviewer tried again to win the affection of the lovely Rachel.)
TMD: Hi Rachel, I realized that I didn’t conduct a thorough enough interview the first time around, so are you willing to give it a second try? The Daily is the paradigm of journalistic integrity.
TMD: I recall you saying that you are currently seeing two individuals. Do these two people know that they are not exclusive?
TMD: Do you plan on telling them?
R: No ….
TMD: Do you play sports?
R: Yes, basketball, football and volleyball.
TMD: So, in your experience, which is more important: Hard work or stick-to-it-ive-ness?
R: Hard work.
TMD: What’s wrong with stick-to-it-ive-ness?
R: It’s not a word.
TMD: Who would win in a fight: You or your roommate?
TMD: What about Tom Cruise versus Brad Pitt?
R: Brad Pitt would because he’s hotter, and I think he’s more built. But Tom Cruise does hang off of mountains, doesn’t he?
TMD: He does.
R: I’m gonna stick with Brad Pitt because he’s younger.
TMD: Which is your favorite building on campus?
R: The Big House.
TMD: Not the Frieze Building?
TMD: Do you think the girls on MTV’s’ “The Battle of the Sexes” made a mistake by voting off Julie just because Melissa doesn’t like her?
R: Okay, I didn’t watch the show. I did see the previews, and that’s what I think happened. I think that Melissa’s a bitch because I watched New Orleans.
TMD: Who’s your favorite “Daily” columnist?
R: I don’t have one … you! Wait, you’re not a columnist are you?
TMD: Do you read “The Daily?”
TMD: Will you read this interview?
TMD: Thank you.