Nothing is more irritating than finding out the person you’ve been flirting with at the club is completely empty-headed. It’s amazing how people try to compensate for what they clearly don’t have by, say, hiking up a dress, popping a collar or styling their hair. “Clash of the Titans” follows this very screwed-up universal principal by throwing out flashy effects to obscure how little is actually going on in the movie.

“Clash of the Titans”

At Quality 16 (2-D) and Showcase (2-D and 3-D)
Warner Bros.

The film is a remake of the 1981 classic of the same name. Humans are sick and tired of the Olympian Gods mistreating them. When a queen blatantly proclaims her daughter is more beautiful than even the loveliest of the gods, the god of the underworld, Hades (Ralph Fiennes, “The Reader”), steps in to lay down the law. He demands that unless the queen’s daughter is sacrificed within 10 days, he will unleash his monster of epic badass-ness, the Kraken, to ravage her city. Young Perseus (Sam Worthington, “Avatar”), already pissed at the gods for causing the death of his family, decides that the city’s distress is an opportune moment to go on a quest to retrieve a weapon to be used against the Kraken and ultimately save the day.

The inconsistencies in this movie are out of control. And while this is not normally a problem in fantasy movies, it’s a huge problem in “Clash,” because without anything to fall back on (like a cohesive plot or developed characters), viewers are forced to think about the holes. The whole journey feels jerky. The places Perseus and his entourage visit and the monsters they defeat don’t all fall under the timeline to which the characters are supposed to adhere.

Remember, Perseus only has 10 days to seek help and find a weapon. And yet he is seen traversing mountains, deserts, forests and even the underworld. Perhaps if the story had more substance, the logical fallacies wouldn’t be so important.

Indeed, the story is the kicker. Predictability, linearity and superficiality aside, the plot is mind-numbingly atrocious. Its banality and childishness are a slap in the face. Ideally, the movie would focus on the dynamic between gods and humans, while at the same time exploring the myths and legends behind the story. But of course, “Clash” does neither.

First, it simplifies the gods vs. humans struggle into a story of revenge, and even this is convoluted. Though the gods are adamant about teaching the humans a lesson, they nonetheless bestow Perseus with gifts — a sword and Pegasus — to aid him in his quest. So the gods are helping Perseus stop the gods? This stupid mind-fuck echoes the inconsistencies in the whole movie and is downright bewildering.

“Clash” also does too much in too little time by throwing in as much mythology as possible. Instead of taking the time to explore captivating creatures of lore, the movie barrels through them at machine-gun speed. Absolutely nothing is fleshed out. A few quick lines about their backstories is the movie’s facile solution. If all the monsters had been replaced by giant transforming robots (possibly in disguise), nothing in terms of plot would have changed, thus rendering the mythic beasts inconsequential artifacts.

In the movie-dating business, it’s tough to find the perfect flick with the visual appeal to match the solid substance underneath. “Clash” certainly does not produce the ideal romance and, at the end of the day, is just another pretty face.

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