So the school year is finally coming to a close and summer is right around the corner. While the sororities are worried about what shirts to wear with their Uggs and short skirts, everyone else has more important things on their mind: What the hell am I going to do this summer?
Unfortunately, I’ll be getting my slave on in a factory, at least some of you will have more positive (and cleaner) things to look forward to. For some, that job at Hollister might still be open – but you might’ve drank too much this year and we all know they don’t hire any fat people, so watch out. For others, it may be back to delivering papers and cutting lawns.
But there are always the illustrious under-achievers. You know those people who go home for the summer and mooch off of mom and dad’s money with nothing better to do. They sit around and actually want to go back to school for lack of a social life.
Here’s to you, slackers. These are the things you should be doing this summer.
Baseball: Playing or watching is fine with me. Fantasy baseball might even suit your fancy. In all honesty, it doesn’t really matter which one as long as you’re partaking in America’s favorite pastime.
In recent years, Baseball has fallen off the map. For God’s sake, Japan won the World Baseball Classic over Cuba. JAPAN! And it’s because you don’t care enough about the sport that we lost. For shame.
Learn to drive a stick shift: Have you ever said to yourself, “I really wish I was as awesome as Nick Cage?”
Well obviously, we all have, so learn to drive a fucking stick shift. Stealing cars just isn’t as fun (or as cool looking) if it’s an automatic transmission. I promise, once you learn how to drive one, you’ll look down on people who don’t. Then you’ll be a little be more like me, and isn’t that what we’re all striving for anyway?
Speaking of me, that’s another thing you can do this summer: study my Facebook profile and e-mail me so that you can come back to school as my clone. Trust me, your friends will be impressed, more girls will like you and you’ll just genuinely be a better person. My falsetto might be a little hard to mimic, but given practice and careful attention, I think you can do it.
Get a new record collection: I assure you, your music selection is terrible. Spend some time this summer in your local record store – there’s one nearby your house, and I’m not talking about Best Buy. Talk to the people selling the records. They’re your new teachers. Please, say this to them verbatim: “I listen to bad music. What should I listen to?” They will help you. It’ll be OK.
And while you’re at it, buy a turntable. They are much cooler than CDs and MP3s, and they sound better too. Plus, they’re cheaper. While at said record store, look through their extensive (and it’ll be extensive) selection of used records. Think Pink Floyd is a good band? I’ll let you keep thinking that (incorrect as it is) and so will the store. But they’ll also sell you a copy of Dark Side Of The Moon for $5.
Read a book: As unorthodox as it might sound, I’m telling you to read and not binge drink (while you’re reading at least). And “The Da Vinci Code” doesn’t count as reading. As a side note, the movie looks horrible too. When you have that urge to see Tom Hanks with scraggly long hair, watch “Castaway” instead.
But back to reading. It turns out most people on campus either don’t know how to read or simply don’t do it. Read some Shakespeare and Steinbeck and randomly reference them in class. While the teacher might think you’re an idiot, every girl in class will be in awe of your vast knowledge of literature. Awesome.
Drink: I know, I know, you’re all saying, “But Chris, I can’t drink when I am living with my parents.” To this, I can only say “bullshit.” If you don’t have any friends at the University during the summer, you need a serious social makeover. Everyone knows someone that’s staying here. Drink with them.
For those out-of-staters, I know there’s a college in your state, somewhere. Find it and make friends with their chapter of SAE. You’re going to want to vomit, but make sure it’s because of the alcohol and not just hanging out with these guys. Do it for your own safety. Safety? At a frat? Well no, but when you come back to school and begin the demolition of your liver again, it would be better if you had some conditioning. Drinking is like working out: the more you do it the stronger your muscles/liver get (no matter what your jaded old doctor says).
I’ve given you enough things to do this summer. Take my advice or not, I really don’t care. But you won’t suck nearly as much if you do.