Chris Burke: How the BCS stole the national title

The Men hated obvious winners, the whole, darn bowl season. Now,
please don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason.

No, scratch that, I’m lying, we do know the reason.
Controversy brings in money during bowl season.

Having one champion wouldn’t bring in the dough, like
having two would — this the Men did know.

So I think the most likely reason of all may have been that
their wallets were never too small.

But, whatever the reason, whatever the plans, the Men stood
there before bowl season hating the fans.

“And they’re singing their fight songs!” they
snarled with a sneer, “Tomorrow is bowl season, it’s
practically here!”

Then they growled, and they played with their stacks full of
money, “Having two title games, now that would be
funny!”

Then they got an idea! An awful idea!

The Men got a wonderful, awful idea!

“We know just what to do!” the Men laughed in their
throats. And, they made a computer to tally up votes.

But not just the polls from the coaches and writers. The Men
added something to turn Fans into Fighters.

Their new computer would use other computers, too, and the
resulting numbers would turn happy fans blue.

So now with their devilish plan in the works, the Men took to
Fan-ville, and they acted like jerks.

They took USC t-shirts and LSU flags, Oklahoma ballcaps, and
shoved them into their bags.

The men grabbed what they could, and stood there quite proud,
when they heard a loud roar like the sound of a crowd.

They turned around fast and they saw a small clan, led by little
Cindy-Jan Fan, drum major of Southern Cal.’s band.

She stared up at the men and simply said, “Why? “Why
can’t we play in the Sugar Bowl? Why?”

But, you know, those old men were so dumb but so slick, that
they thought up a lie, and they thought it up quick.

“Letting the computer pick is fair,” the Men lied,
“We can’t do any better, believe us, we’ve tried.

“So, next time, maybe, it’ll work right, my
dear.

“We’ll fix it up later, in a couple of
years.”

And then, heartbroken, Cindy-Jan returned to her sleep, while
the Men continued to take all they could keep.

Trumpets and tubas and pennants galore. “These
fans,” they cried out. “They don’t know
what’s in store.

“There could be two champions, or maybe just one, but our
scamming and scheming could spoil their fun.”

Then they laughed something evil, and departed the town, before
they even noticed Fan-ville’s collective frown.

They left Fan-ville with their riches in tow, knowing that, to
the bowls the Fans would still go.

And they’d watch and spend dollars for the Men to then
take, even if the computer’s “Title Game” is a
fake.

And while somewhere, the Whos’ Christmas was saved by the
Grinch, the Men would do nothing, not even flinch.

Their system had worked, no matter what they would say, because
the real goal of their computer was an excessive payday.

Now the Men will take all their treasures and sit back to see
what will happen to Oklahoma, LSU, USC.

It no longer matters what happens to the game or the fans. You
see, neither of those fit into the Men’s plans.

So the Men snuggled up with the things that they stole, and
watched Southern Cal. play in the wrong bowl.

One champion or two, the Men really don’t care, as long as
their money will always be there.

Chris Burke can be reached at
“mailto:chrisbur@umich.edu”>chrisbur@umich.edu.