Hey politicos! It’s been a tough two weeks for criminals, but that hasn’t stooped The Scoop from peeping through blinds and rifling through personal files to find the latest dirt on American politicians and entertainers. It took us a while, but boy did we find some damaging slander! We’ve got the black eyes to prove it.

J. Brady McCollough

Sources close to Vice President Dick Cheney tell us he’s considering getting a Mikhail Gorbachev forehead blemish surgically implanted on his own shiny dome. Seems our creepy VP is a big fan of the former Soviet leader. Let’s just hope he doesn’t exchange his lovely wife Lynn for a Russian mail-order bride! Lynnie’s just too cute.

Item! It appears that U.S. Army soldiers stationed in Baghdad have been preoccupied lately. It seems that last April a troop accidentally blew a hole through the wall of Iraq’s only mental hospital for the clinically insane and then left the facility and its drugs open to looters. (Better keep an eye on Matthew Perry!) Apparently all the crazies left the joint and have now joined chief U.S. administrator for Iraq Paul Bremer in aimlessly wandering the streets of Baghdad. Let’s hope those soldiers had their minds on the lovely Rebecca Romijn-Stamos of USO Project Salute 2003 instead of Kid Rock. (Or vice versa for those pretty-lady combatants.)

It says here that the nation’s unemployment rate has hit a nine-year high — 6.4 percent. We found this little tidbit in some rag called The New York Times. Well, we here at The Scoop don’t know what sort of operation these Times people are running, but they might want to find a fact checker. Don’t they know that if the unemployment rate reached such a crippling rate, our Savior and Manna, George W. Bush would be doing something about it? We think it’s time for the Times to punch their time card and get out of the news business!

Item! A joint Congressional committee released last week a report on the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, directing most of its criticism toward the C.I.A. and the F.B.I. for their failure to exchange crucial information. Well, duh! Tell us something we don’t know. Now, if only the committee could tell us who let Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld publish a book of poetry.

Uh oh! Fighting in the streets of Liberia. Seems like the tiny West African nation was created by none other than our favorite imperialist, The United States of America, so we’re obligated to help them. Good thing we have so many troops in Baghdad right now keeping their military skills sharp. Just tell the Liberians to call us whenever they need us. We’ll be there as quick as you can say “Let’s rape our national park system!”

And speaking of the military, somebody should have told President Dubya that getting out of Baghdad wasn’t going to be as easy as getting in. Shoot, didn’t Georgie learn anything from former big cheese Bill Clinton and handbag designer Monica Lewinsky?!

Item! Uday and Qusay Hussein were killed by American forces in northern Iraq last week. I guess no one told them before they died that pig Latin is only funny when you’re 10. Oh well, at least they died with their faces on playing cards (Aces at that!), which is more than we can say about former Kentucky Derby winner Ferdinand, who was slaughtered and turned into dog food in Japan last week. If we could be serious a moment, don’t the Japanese realize that horses are not to be treated like some sort of cow, raised specifically to be slaughtered bloodily for hamburger meat?

Item! People magazine is reporting that Los Angeles Lakers basketball star Kobe Bryant recently purchased a $4 million ring for his wife after confessing publicly to an adulterous affair with a 19-year-old woman in Colorado. Doesn’t he realize that $4 million equals 45 extra minutes we could have troops stationed in Iraq? C’mon, Kobe, where’s your patriotism? Looks like my Kobe Sprite poster is headed straight for the trash bin along with my copy of the Dixie Chicks’ “Wide Open Spaces” single.

That’s it for this week, folks. Don’t forget to read next week’s column where we reveal why Tom Cruise is our arch-nemesis. Until then, The Scoop says read USA Today and shop at Wal-Mart. (Psst … word is, glamorous Hollywood actor Freddie Prinze Jr. does too!)

Honkala can be reached at jhonkala@umich.edu.

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