GARY, Ind Trapped in a farmhouse for the last two months, these survivors have not only survived each other, but the radioactive waste left outside their doorstep every morning. On the last episode of “Panic in StarSuck” we were witness to the unbelievable mayhem of O.J. running around with his pointy vibrator trying to poke Sinead O”Connor. Fortunately for Sinead, the producers kicked O.J. off the show even though he claimed, “I was just playing around.” Producers were not convinced after they found a massive arsenal of Twinkies in his footlocker and a closet devoted to “Nothing Compares 2 U.”
O.J. now joins the ranks of the other clueless stars booted off the show. In a quick recap of “PISS,” the first night of claiming she was real, J. Lo was out. This was a risky move on the part of the producers because after she insured her extra wide load, they weren”t sure what kind of law suit they could be in for. After a midnight wake-up call by the coppers, the “PISS” house said good-bye to one Todd Bridges whom they didn”t remember from his “80s sitcom hit “Different Strokes.” “He never did seem very clean,” said housemate Robert Downey Jr. After the bridge fell down, the housemates decided that they had enough of Travolta”s Scientology spiel and proceeded to knock him out, take back the lost dough they had spent on “Battlefield Earth” and kicked that asshole out.
Rock bitch Courtney Love has been leading the troops. No one really liked Hole to begin with, but ever since Kurt died, it”s been back in style. (Editor”s note: Hole really blows, but they let her on out of guilt. I mean, she drove that poor man to suicide with that fuckin” horrible, yet so telling tune, “Teenage Whore.”) Love enjoys taking her crew to view the smokestacks and take in all of the carcinogens that she now lacks since the house has been deemed “non-smoking.” After a debilitating challenge, which left Tracy Gold thoroughly hungry, (we didn”t realize that cow-tipping was so hard!) Rod Stewart and Pat Benatar had a duel to the death. “Broken Arrow” couldn”t muster enough steam for “Love is a Battlefield” and Stewart went back to the house by way of the subway.
After skipping yet another engrossing challenge, Britney and beau J. Timberlake were found back at the house engaged in an activity that viewers at home were unable to witness due to FCC regulations. Needless to say, rumors that the duo plan to remain virginal before their Halloween wedding are completely bunk. Meanwhile, the rest of the house is enjoying the in house surveillance system where Britney and J are better than the gay porn that”s flown in every week. (Editor”s note: One of our cameramen clearly heard J telling Rod, “She fucks my brains out.”)
Regular PISSers will note that this week”s episode which was to feature a very naked Sinead praying to God and Pat “Invincible” Benatar kicking the shit out of Rod “big pussy” Stewart has been postponed due to Ms. Spears monthly appointment to take care of any little problems. (Editor”s note: Due to the complete censorship or our sponsors, we cannot condone the use of the morning after pill.)