Who is the king of the jungle? Within our twisted, backward culture, we are taught it is the lion. Not so. The overtly obese elephant is the true king, for the elephant can squash any pest with one enormous drop of the backside. Just like the jungle, “fat” people are the kings of our society. If a fat person is walking down the street and one of the so-called fit is coming in the other direction, who moves for whom? Exactly. Yet, with the negative connotation the word fat drags with it, it would not be right to refer to the cream of society with such a vulgar word, so for the rest of the article. I will refer to “fat” people in a much more accurate manner by calling them “Mass-ively Gifted” or MG, and to be fair we will call the “healthy” inferior, stupid, smelly or whatever derogatory adjective comes to mind.

This fitness craze that has swept the nation is rotting the moral core of our once sweet, apple pie of a nation. The correlation is quite direct. Fitness leads to a smaller body type, which is considered sexy. A sexy body leads its owner to expose it by wearing more revealing clothes. Revealing clothes lead to increased interest of potential lovers, which leads to promiscuity, which leads to unwanted pregnancies, which translates directly to prostitution and heavy drug use. Each fitness fanatic is treading a top a slippery slope of treadmills and free weights and with each bicep curl he/she increases the likelihood of an avalanche of indecency washing away the core values of our nation into an Olympic-sized pool of sin.

We need not do more than look to one of our most prized cultural icons in America to see that the mass-ively gifted are invaluable. Santa Claus is most definitely MG and he is one of the most generous, kindest guys around. His mass and warm personality go chubby hand in chubby hand. If good ol” Mr. Claus was some chiseled hunk of muscle, would he be out delivering toys on a frigid Christmas Eve? Heck no, it is the fat that keeps him warm, not to mention there has got to be a libido hidden under all those extra pounds. Ten dollars says that if he lost the weight Mrs. Claus would keep him home to herself on Christmas Eve. After all, who wants to spend Christmas Eve alone every year?

To deny thy self is unhealthy. A healthy mind leads to a healthy body and it”s going to make my mind very happy to eat a carton of shoppers and wash it down with a jug of Mountain Dew. Is this healthy? Of course it is. It is unnatural to avoid fried and fatty foods. Why do healthy people think they must avoid them? Is this some kind of perverse culinary discrimination? I like to think of myself as a caring, appreciative person and would never think of judging food on such petty characteristics. The truth here is simple: “Healthy” people are bigots.

Have you ever seen someone workout? A person mid-workout most likely is experiencing some sort of discomfort as a result of their workout, has an abnormally high heart rate, and their breathing is erratic and comes in gasps. Collectively these symptoms sound like a precursor to a torturously slow death. Now a person sitting on their couch enjoying Hostess snack foods while channel surfing looks infinitely more healthy. Their breathing is most likely steady, their pulse rate is normal and they are at the apex of comfort. No matter what the doctor tells you, use common sense. What do you think your heart appreciates more: Frantically pumping blood while you push your body to the physical limit or leisurely distributing blood while you eat Funyons while watching E”s riveting programming? Have you ever heard the old adage: That which doesn”t kill you will only make you stronger? It was a typo. It should have read “Trying to get stronger will kill you. Take a seat, your heart will thank you.”

These “healthy” people mock those of us who are MG by saying we have no will power because we don”t stick to workout and programs and don”t stick to diets. MG”s are paramount examples of self-restrained individuals. While society puts pressure on us to conform to its fitness rules and regulations we stand firm. Well, we probably sit and instead of firm we are somewhat squishy but that is just a matter of semantics. MG”s are the mentally tough while the “healthy” are nothing more than feebleminded sheep, putty if you will, waiting to be molded by corporate America.

As a last gasp argument, the “fit” harp on the appearance of the larger folk. They say it is unsightly, disgusting. Just let those words bounce off your fleshy hide. For they know not what they say. As if today”s supermodels are attractive. Where is the rest of them? Where are the sagging jiggly triceps, the “cottage cheese thighs” (mmm cottage cheese) and the extra sets of dimples? Dimples are cute, WHEREVER they may be. Working out gives these health nuts an influx of cockiness which leaves them eager to criticize others. Actually, a large figure is sexy. It screams “Look at me!” And when they do look at you, whoever they may be, they will see that you truly are the “fit” one they will appreciate the efficient digestive system, strong jaw, and the powerful set of teeth you utilized in order to build such a mountainous form.

I am by no means suggesting that we kill off our weaker counterparts, the healthy. To put those muscles to waste would be a shame. We could round them up and use them for slave labor to build for us, the MG, houses made of gingerbread and light posts made of candy canes. What a utopia it would be.

“Healthy” has become a synonym for bigot, weak willed, and judgmental. Take the label Mass-ively Gifted try it on for size. Spread it all over the bread that is your life and let it saturate your mind just like the lard that clogs your arteries then put it in a greasy fried chicken sandwich and eat it. Let it become a part of you: See how it fits, watch yourself grow as a person. Remember to stand tall, walk with your belly out and your mouth full of snack food and let everyone know that you are in shape, no matter how large that shape may be.

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