Champions don’t come from their mothers’ wombs; they come from their fathers’ balls. Or so Spike TV’s new show “Blue Mountain State” tells us. And that’s one of the finest examples of womb envy ever created.
Blue Mountain State
Tuesdays at 10 p.m.
If ever there was a show that could be categorized as “man TV,” this is it: Two girls blowing a banana at the same time, Vagisil lip balm, sex, football, more sex and booze all figure prominently in the premiere episode. The show begins with the start of football season at Blue Mountain State — a fictional university chock full of college-related stereotypes — and the arrival of backup quarterback Alex (Darin Brooks, “Days of Our Lives”). Ready to begin his college experience, Alex strives to enjoy all the pleasures of being a quarterback with none of the pressures. This means lots of “scoring,” drinking and occasionally peeing on a hot cougar (who likes it, apparently).
His roommate Sammy (Chris Romano, “South Park”) dreams of becoming a team mascot to meet cheerleaders and videotapes the previous mascot masturbating (in full costume) against the trophy case to oust him. Classy.
Another focus in the premiere episode is the new running back Craig, (Sam Jones, “Smallville”) whose opportunistic girlfriend (Gabrielle Dennis, “The Game”) — spoiler alert — turns down his sexual advances because she secretly is a lesbian.
Uptight and nervous, Craig is like Burton Guster (Dule Hill) from “Psych,” while Alex mirrors Shawn Spencer (James Roday). The reserved sidekick role always seems to go to the black guy in these tag teams, and it’s becoming tiresome. Similarly, Alex’s hazing nemesis Thad (Alan Ritchson, “Smallville”) has a short, black sidekick who stands close by as he sucks pills off of scantily clad girls’ tongues after snorting coke off their bodies. Two stereotypical pairs are two too many.
The absolute ridiculousness of each and every scene makes for a viewing experience that, while not particularly varied, is at least hard to find boring. As for the dialogue, well, there’s something called wit, and then there’s such a thing as a kernel of clever dipped in so much blatant sexism and macho-esque blabber that it’s hard not to laugh at the sheer extremity of it.
The football coach (Ed Marino, “Circus Camp”) is a prime example of this type of writing. After listening to quotes like “Some weak pathetic pussy coined the phrase ‘winning isn’t everything’ ” and “We suck the milk out of their mothers’ tits and use it as mouthwash! We rip off their dicks and invite them to an orgy!” there are two possible reactions. One is throwing up. The second is to cock an eyebrow and give in to low-IQ laughter.
While not exactly grade-A quality, “trickle down banging” can be momentarily funny. However, the portrayal of women is obnoxiously bitchy, and the heavy metal music and testosterone-laden boob parties are such blatant objectifications that it gets to be rather annoying.
But stereotypes seem to be the name of the game in “Blue Mountain State,” and those who somehow see some humor in that might actually find it amusing.