In the weeks following the Big Ten’s announcement of the creation of its very own TV channel, I’ve been able to infiltrate the Big Ten headquarters in Park Ridge, Ill. to smuggle out the channel’s programming for its launch.

Angela Cesere
Phil Dokas
Joe Paterno will be featured on the new Big Ten channel. (AP Photo)

Sure, it may not launch until August 2007, but it’s never too early to prepare. Too bad the Big Ten doesn’t have better security guards.

6:00 a.m.-7:00 a.m. – “Tuesdays with Maury”: Talk show host Maury Povich will make the jump from helping disgruntled husbands deal with their wife/sister cheating on them and host this weekly show aimed to help college athletes deal with the rigors of being a Division I athlete. Some ideas for the show have already been pitched, such as, “I couldn’t throw a ball 10 feet in high school but now I’m the starting shortstop at Indiana” and “Opposites attract” featuring the 7’2″ basketball center dating the 5’1″ gymnast. For every other day, this time slot will feature infomercials.

Side note: Mitch Albom wrote a column about suing the Big Ten and Povich for naming rights, but it was later revealed he never showed up to the courthouse. Readers also found out that the three men he discussed in the column: His lawyer, Povich and the judge were also not there.

7:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m. – “Sportscenter: Big Ten Edition”: The channel may be in collaboration with Fox Sports, but ESPN is allowed to do its famous Sportscenter for the Big Ten crowd. The show runs for an hour and will play five times in a row because ESPN wants to make sure you don’t miss the analysis on Big Ten golf.

The first show will feature a sit down interview between legendary coach Joe Paterno and Stuart Scott.

Scott: Yo JoePa . last season your team was off the hook and Michael Robinson be all like “I’m sorry Ms. Jackson, ohhhhhhhh, I am for reeeeeeeeal. Bam! And he would score touchdowns. What was it all like?

Paterno: What?

12:00-12:30 – “Three’s Company”: This sitcom will follow around three football players: Jerome Jackson, Tyrone Jordan and Landon Smith, and is a coming-of-age show about the trials and tribulations of teammates in college football. In the pilot episode, Jackson, Jordan and Smith try to play a practical joke on a friend of theirs, but the joke goes horribly wrong and the three players face a stern lecture from coach Lloyd Carr.

12:30-1:00 – “Titans of Taste”: Wisconsin athletic director Barry Alverez is the host of this show, which will travel across the Big Ten nation to find the hottest spots to eat on each campus. Viewers will be able to e-mail Barry a crazy food challenge that he will have to perform at the end of each episode. At the end of the first episode, Alverez will be in Ann Arbor to have a burrito-eating contest with Takeru Kobayashi outside of BTB Burrito. Should be loads of fun!

1:00-2:00 – “The Price is Right”: Nothing that has to do with the Big Ten here. Bob Barker is just that awesome.

2:00-5:00 – “The Illinihoosierhawkeyewolverinespartangoldengopherwildcatbuckeyenittanylionboilermakerbadger Sports Magazine with Doug Karsch”: Hilarity ensures when Karsch takes two hours to try and explain how every team in every sport in the Big Ten is doing well.

Karsch: So the Michigan women’s softball team won its 10th conference game in a row, sweeping Minnesota by a combined score of 27-0. Now onto the Golden Gophers softball team, which fought valiantly against the Wolverines this weekend, but fell in two heartbreaking games.

6:00-7:00 – “Sportscenter: More Big Ten Edition”: In case you missed all of the action in the morning, you can see it again in prime-time.

Paterno: Let me get this straight – are you asking me how I felt about the season?

Scott: Boo-ya! Holla at ya boooooooy. JoePa is finally feeling what I’m saying.

Paterno: . What?

7:00-8:00 – “24”: A reality TV show that follows all the members of the Michigan State football team with GPAs more than 1.0.

8:00-9:00 – “What Not to Wear”: Jim Tressel, the suavely dressed coach from Ohio State, becomes the fashion police as he helps players and coaches alike turn fashion faux pas into fashion fabulous. His first guest: Tommy Amaker.

10:00-10:10 – “Great Moments in Indiana Football History”: The title really explains itself.

10:10-11:00 – “Deadwood”: Joe Paterno takes his wealth of knowledge about life from the football field and uses it to help sexually frustrated college students deal with their lusty problems.

And that concludes our broadcast day.

What, you want more?

What do you think this is, NBC?

– Bosch hopes you don’t take this seriously. He can be reached at hectobos@umich.edu.

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