If you’ve ever wondered what it means to be a superstar, just check out the inside of the Wonderland Center, the rehab clinic Lindsey Lohan checked herself into recently after alleged pleas from her family and friends (hitting the clubs less than 24 hours after an appendectomy must have set off some alarms).

Wonderland certainly lives up to its name. Beauty salon, spa treatments, swimming pool, sauna, palm trees – sounds more like vacation than rehab, but of course Lindsey can’t be brought down to the local AA in the YMCA gymnasium. We have serious doubts that she’s sitting around telling people her name is Lindsey, and that she has a problem.

Actually, according to various reports, Lindsey isn’t doing much of anything in the Wonderland Center, despite the upward of $3,000 a day she’s paying to stay there.

Photographers have snapped her out and about, shopping at Dior one day and running around Hollywood the next. Her current project, “I Know Who Killed Me,” was postponed due to her stint in rehab, although it’s reportedly set to start filming again.

We know, Lindsey. We feel your pain. It must be so hard to stay in a place where they have people to wait on you hand and foot, and probably a direct line to Rachel Zoe. You know, just so you can look good for all the hotties that must be in there, recovering from who-knows-what.

Speaking of recovery, country singer Keith Urban is out of rehab, which he has been attending for the past few months. Various sources cite him as attributing much of his success in overcoming addiction to the support of his loving wife and the peaceful surroundings at the Betty Ford Clinic in California.

See, Lindsey? This is how people get better. They stay where they pay and they don’t play.

Especially with Paris Hilton, some of whose possessions (seized after she failed to pay the bill for the storage unit where they were kept) surfaced on the Internet, including pictures of her romping around with “Girls Gone Wild” creator Joe Francis, a list of things to do that includes “talk to someone if I feel like throwing up” and a photo of Cisco Adler, better known as Mischa Barton’s man candy. Did we mention he’s completely naked? And sporting a pair of balls so large even Shaq couldn’t palm them. That’s hot, Paris. Well done.

Speaking of hot – or maybe not – Britney Spears has managed to do nothing to increase her comeback potential.

While Ms. Spears did make time for a visit to her Louisiana home after the death of an aunt, her publicity campaign has thus far lagged behind Fed-Ex, whose commercial for Nationwide insurance company has been leaked to the Internet.

The commercial, set to air during the Superbowl, unfortunately indicates that Federline has both the sense of humor to laugh at himself and the shrewdness to make money off it. Britney fans everywhere are weeping, especially after numerous tabloids have released cover headlines that detail a begging Federline pleading with Britney to go to rehab. That’s one custody battle we’re looking forward to, especially if Spears stubbornly continues her rebound march through Federline look-alikes.

This week’s special? Model/actor (allegedly . we never heard of him before) Isaac Cohen, whose career has probably taken an infamous jump from his recent dive into the Spears pool. Plus, he gets free stuff – Cohen was seen walking out of the Ed Hardy boutique in Hollywood with over half a dozen bags of loot dangling over his arms.

Even when it comes to shopping, we guess Britney can’t get rid of her trailer-park, trucker-hat tendencies.

And in case you’re extremely worried that everyone in Hollywood is going down, down, down, never fear. Sunday’s SAG awards – also known as “We’re famous so let’s congratulate ourselves” – honored the up-and-comers: Jennifer Hudson took home best supporting actress for her role in “Dreamgirls,” “Little Miss Sunshine” won for best ensemble (the SAG equivalent of the Oscars’ best picture) and America Ferrera took home an award for her work on TV’s “Ugly Betty.”

So Hollywood isn’t all bad. At least we still have the privileged few who remember DARE, and have the ability to just say no. But between the homophobic Isaiah Washingtons, robotic Victoria Beckhams and attention-hogging Paris Hiltons of the world, those are a precious few indeed.

– Nguyen remembers all about DARE. E-mail her at banguyen@umich.edu.

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